Thursday, January 31, 2008

Wild white yonder

Marathon Man, three of his teacher colleagues, and me piled into what I would classify as a compact car and remained in that sufferable position for FIVE HOURS! We were headed to the vast wilderness that is upstate New York for a weekend skiing trip. The driver (John) is menopausal and suffering from hot flashes. He would vary from opening the window, turning on the heat, and then blasting the AC….in January! I was the only one with enough sense to not put my jacket in the trunk. Granted, the three of us in the back seat were so smashed together (we could not sit shoulder to shoulder across) that the combined body heat was able to suffice for a while. Eventually we had spread my coat over the three of us while we quietly suffered. While we thought we were in misery, we had no idea what Dave had to endure in the passenger seat. At one point he was so cold that he clutched the “oh shit” over-window handle in hopes that it would secretly release the suppressed heat from the dungeon. After what we judged to be a good solid two hours of playing freeze out, John asked us if we were okay temperature wise. Dave timidly squeaked out “oh, a little heat would be nice” before looking over his shoulder at us for some reinforcement. Okay, writing about it doesn’t do the situation justice. I laughed so hard that I nearly peed my pants, which would have at least warmed up my frozen thighs.

Eventually we pulled into the “Mountain Lodge” which was basically a motel with woodsy decorations and a back woods staff. Seriously, all the furniture was made out of wood logs! It was like pa out back chopped up a tree and made us a chest of drawers. The handles were even hewed off chunks of logs nailed to the front. As if to complete the cover look for Lincoln Log Living, the bed covers were grandma’s pine tree quilts! Yeah, you can’t make this shit up.

Out of the five, Dave and I were the only two who had skied/snowboarded more than two times beforehand. Surprisingly John picked up skiing incredibly fast. However, Steven and MM spent the majority of the day face down in the snow. Steven cracked me up because he is a giant (6’6”) black man built like a linebacker with cornrows…..and a giant smile. Seriously, he is the nicest guy you will ever meet, and he will surprise you by spontaneously breaking out into song or screaming like a drag queen when falling. We were sitting in the skiing lodge and all the country folk were starring at us because we were “with the thug looking black man” as if they had only seen them on TV.

Steven may look like a tough guy, but he is the biggest frady cat…ever! The group accidentally made a wrong turn at a fork and ended up at a hidden chair lift. This lift would take us up to the very top of the mountain (all the other lifts would only go to an intermediate peak). Of course at the top, the trails were all single and double black diamonds with a lone blue. Yeah, not welcomed news for Steven and MM. Well the chair lift seemed to go on forever and just when it approached a plateau (where we thought it would end) it started to rise up a sheer rocky cliff with no end in sight. At that point we here Steven behind us go “ummmm…guys” as he started to freak out. Ah ha ha ha.

Not to pick on Steven, but he had the most humorous stories. For any skiing beginner, exiting the chair lift is by far the hardest experience. Well one time, Steven got off the chair lift only to ski directly into a barrier fence which he completely took out (fence poles and all). It was such a calamity that the chair lift operator had to wait until he stopped laughing before he could untangle Steven. The next time, I decided to help guide him off the lift. Well he ran over my skis and I tumbled over (at least he stayed upright). The next time, the assistant was Dave, and the exact same thing happened! Yeah Steven skied over to us and was all “look I got off the lift and didn’t fall” like a proud child and Now cut to Dave who was crumpled up in a heap of snow.

If skiing wasn’t the activity of choice for the weekend, then farting was. Evidently either John or Steve fart in their sleep and both of them can fart on command. When John first told me of his unique talent, I was like “really you can fart on command” to which he replied “phleeeet”. Another talent was eating immense sums of food. It would take Steve and John five minutes to order….”now can I have the two eggs with toast, over easy, with the corned beef hash, and the special of three pancakes with ham, and ummmm could I have a side of bacon and home fries”. One time, Steven’s order took up three plates! While he was devouring it, he asked a passing waitress if he could get some hot coco with whipped cream and a piece of chocolate cake on a heated brownie covered with vanilla ice cream. Yeah, she was speechless (and later confessed to us that meal was the most she had seen ANYONE eat).

On Sunday, we dragged our sore bodies away from the mountain to watch the Green Bay / Giants football game. First we needed a beer run so that we could play beer pong (yes, the teachers are THAT resourceful). We stopped in this tiny mom and pop shop where they sold beer in three varieties: domestic (Coors light), premium (Canadian blue), and what the hell (plain can with “beer” on it). We grabbed a case of Budweiser and asked the cashier if there was a discount for buying in bulk. Although we were totally kidding, she said “well I don’t know, I’ll just call up the owner and find out”. Wait are you serious? Awesome!

Through some random connection, the Guido cousins of another teacher from Staten Island joined in on our football game watching beer pong playing festival. I felt like I was in a freaking Soprano’s episode. These had an opinion about EVERYTHING! Eventually we started talking about random topics that you could not possibly rant about… know like wiping yourself front to back or back to front.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Going once, going twice...

Found on Craig's List.....any takers?

Free Crossdressing Items
Reply to:
Date: 2008-01-30, 1:47PM EST

I'm cleaning out my closets and have plus size dresses, skirts, blouses and gowns that no longer fit me (I recently dropped a few sizes). Also have a box of size 12 heels as well. I'd prefer a fellow tranny uses them.

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Rachel effect

My twin (not really, but almost) Rachel stopped back in town after visiting Israel again. The last time she came into town, some lame guy hit on us using a technique described in Neil Strauss’s book “The Game”. Anyway, I guess she must be catnip to all the New York douche bags because we got hit on again! Maybe the guy thinks we are twins/sisters and then has this desire to fulfill his weirdest fetishes. Anyway, I took her to the speakeasy Please Don’t Tell. This is the place where you enter a phone booth in a hot dog joint, dial the phone, and the other side of the phone booth opens so you can enter the bar. Neat huh. Plus since they are a former speakeasy, all of their cocktails are super complicated. Rachel ordered the “Falling Leaves” and according to her, tasted like the fall. We wanted to mimic this cocktail at home (and avoid the steep price) but lost all ambition when we saw it had over a dozen liquor ingredients.

Next to us were two NYU intellectuals. One guy was served a single rose petal with his drink because the smell of the rose would compliment the flavor of the drink (yeah, I was not kidding about this place being serious about their drinks). For no reason, the guy felt compelled to give me his rose petal (because he was too manly to have a flower) even though Rachel was in the middle of telling me all the Israel stories. I told him I would rather have his book (it was a Kurt Vonnegut work) and he went off on intellectuals preferred over beauties. Ummmm thanks a-hole for calling me ugly!

Strike a pose

If my posts could not get even more random (or is it randomer), along comes this one. I needed to submit a “head shot” for this side project I am looking into. It was basically a wild hair and I figured why not. Rob is also applying for this project, so he was in need of a good picture as well. We grabbed his digital camera and spent the day walking around SoHo trying to be supermodels. Man it is harder than it looks. One time I was squatting next to some neat graffiti while trying to avoid kneeling in the bum urine around it. We even went as bold as posing in the middle of the street. The conversation would go: “okay chin down, look at me, oh shit dump truck!” If I look like I am laughing, it is because I am! All in all, we shot over 200 pictures, and my nerdy self had only about a dozen usable ones.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Why I am better than your children

Here is a website that I adore. Basically this guy judges the pictures of little kids. It is hilarious and exactly how I think about children. If a child wants to impress me, it is going to take a hell of a lot more than peeing in a toilet. Maybe if they did my taxes.....

(I love the hairy firetruck's comment)

Against Me! part deux

I grabbed a SPIN magazine at the gym, and its theme was best of 2007. While I was half heartedly flipping through it (I normally go for the easy on the eyes gossip magazines while on the treadmill because I don’t need to read the articles), I came across the “top 50 albums of 2007” series. I recognized some of the bands but I nearly fell off my treadmill when I saw who number one was…..Against Me! Hell yes! I love this punk band and can go on and on about how awesome their show was in November. Currently they are on tour with Foo Fighters and I am trying to get a hold of one of the sold out tickets for their show at the Garden. Anyway, I thought I just would post the pictures in hopes of brainwashing my readers into starting a letter writing campaign to have the lead singer marry me.

After school programming

Since I had been dating Marathon Man for over a month, it was time to meet the friends. I headed over to Spanish Harlem to participate in happy hour with the teachers. Okay, these teachers were soooo much fun. I cannot imagine my high school teachers being this cool, but then again I thought 25 was so old back then.

We drank at Blonde’s until the neighboring beer pong bar opened up. Yeah you know they are serious about their drinking when they are waiting for a bar to open at 4pm. While we were playing beer pong, I asked them to tell me some of the stories from teaching in a public high school in Spanish Harlem. Here is the most shocking:
One day, an old man substitute teacher was forced into a broom/coat closet by the kids. They then pushed a desk in front of the door and sat a few students on it so that the sub was effectively locked in the closet. They then cleared the remaining desks and had a wrestling tournament in the middle of the classroom. The sub eventually got out the next period or so, but that was his last time teacher…ever! Yeah he quit teaching period after that experience.

Things got hilarious when the beer pong game was down to one or two cups on each side. Steven (the music teacher) said we needed to distract the other team and then proceeded to bounce his ass behind the cups. After the other team gained back their composure, the turned around and shook his chest while chanting “titties, ass, titties, titties, ass”. Of course the other team could barely see with the tears in their eyes so they missed their shots. Now it was the other team’s turn to distract us. Both were small geeky white guys and their version of the robot was so awful it almost made me pee my pants. Seriously, it was the most awkward white guy attempt at the robot I had ever seen. Later they lowered their heads to the level of the cups and gave us the goofiest grins accompanied by big “thumbs up”. I guess you had to be there, but I had a blast.

Here are some pictures from the bar bathroom.
How do you increase stall space, why recess the toilet, too bad it is a tank model.

Need a counter, sure a couple of propped up boards will do

I know I am fun, but I had no idea the word had spread all the way up to Harlem

Okay, my roommate’s ex boyfriend is also named Ali, I wonder if it is the same guy

And of course the identity of M-Man is revealed….Erik the hot banker (except that is no how you spell it and he is not a banker, at least they got hot right)

Friday, January 18, 2008

Reserving our place in Hell

I had a running date with Marathon Man. We ran the North Woods trails of central park and I showed him my favorite sites (waterfalls, hidden outpost fort, make out spots, etc). At one point we faced a huge cliff and he suggested we climb it. We started on our way up, and about half way up, he said “hey, I just realized this is kind of dangerous, I mean we don’t even have foot holds”. Yeah that is when I looked down at the 30ft + drop off and realized “shit, I sure hope I bounce”. Anyway, the second half of the climb went much slower because we were aware of our impending doom. Afterwards we decided to take a break (because he had the meat sweats and it was upsetting his stomach) and walk through the Central Park Conservatory. Wow, it was beautiful….even in the winter. All of the hedges were perfectly manicured and contoured into interesting shapes. I wish I could have captured how they smelled… a pine tree car freshener but soooo much better. I almost hyperventilated trying to inhale all of the marvelous scent. Plus the bushes and trees were all so fluffy that I ran up to one and embraced it explaining “It was just begging to be hugged”. M-Man eventually piggy backed me out of there because that was the only way I would agree to leave.

Later after a Tex-Mex dinner, we stopped into CVS. I strolled down the toy aisle and picked up an ugly looking dog puppet. I shit you not, behind the dog puppet were two stuffed animals going at it doggie style. I called over M-Man and confessed that I did not pose them like that. He then suggested we arrange all of the stuffed animals into sexual positions. Yeah I know he is the perfect guy for me. So we check to make sure no one is watching and placed all the animals into one massive orgy with hopes that some six year old discovers it.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The reason why you don't leave the island

Friday night, the gang headed to the village bar Old Rabbit Cellar which had a menu of European beers and the worst fucking address ever. Seriously, its address was on Minneta Lane but the place was actually on MacDougal St. Plus there were two doors with the same address. I made the mistake of first walking into the Vietnamese restaurant and asking where the “bar” was.

The Cellar bar was basically a gathering point before we headed off to Brooklyn. On our way to the subway station, I stopped in a Bodega to get some beverages for the trip. I mean we were going to Brooklyn, it could like take days! While walking, Evan gasped and got the biggest smile on his face. “Did you see who that was, Dave Attell (long pause as we all stare blankly at him), you know the Insomniac guy (still blank)!” We quickly went back so that Evan could take a picture with him because he was literally ready to come in his pants.

Overcome with seeing his man hero, Evan couldn’t figure out how to use turnstile and we subsequently missed our “R” train. No worries because it was 11pm and the show (and hence the reason we were leaving the island in the first place) did not go on until Midnight. We were crafty and constructed beer cozies out of gloves. Yeah, every time we took a swig, it looked like we were swallowing an arm. Well 15 minutes later, a “N” train pulled into the station. Good, then the next one would be an “R” right, since they alternate. Nope, the next one was another “N”. It was approaching 11:50pm when the third train pulled into the station. Sure enough it was another fucking “N”. I was out of beer at this time and hell bent on getting to Brooklyn (never again will I ever utter those words), so I ran up to the conductor’s window. I asked him when the next “R” would come by. He said “what station do you want to get to?” When I told him the station, he said “hop on, I’ll stop there”. Yeah! The gang was impressed because I essentially hailed a subway. Well turns out due to construction the “N” train was running on the “R” local track and we could have hopped on a train 45 minutes ago!

When we finally showed up at the venue to see Marshall’s band play, it was 12:30am! Luckily they were running late (as all venues go), and we arrived during the last song of the band immediately on before Marshall’s. Rock on! He was glad to see us because there were maybe 10 people there! I guess people behave differently in Brooklyn….you know, it is practically Long Island.

Well they played and were good, blah blah blah. I was actually more interested into seeing how the drummer would react around me. If you are a faithful reader of blogs past, you would know I made out with the drummer at Halloween only to be discovered by the ex-boyfriend/lead singer. Yeah, I briefly thought I would Yoko Ono the band before I realized I’m not that important. No worries anyway, because that was the drummer’s last show (he quit to join another band a week later). Damn, last chance to get it on (Ultimate Fakebook reference). Bree was equally enthused with the picture booth. Too bad we didn’t realize it was (4) of one picture instead of (1) of four pictures. Oh well.

Another year passes, but I stay the same

Count it, I am three weeks behind on the blog. Yeah, so sorry if you have been waiting around refreshing your computer screen every few minutes to see if I added anything new. I can only say I have been distracted lately with an application and mass CD mixing. Currently I am listening to “best of the 90’s, dance mix” and it is putting me in a feisty writing mood.

New Years! I kissed 2007 goodbye at a really lame party with Dana, Olga, Andy, Vashware, and some other nice girl. The ladies carb loaded before the party thinking we were going to be participating in some kind of party marathon or something. At dinner, Olga introduced us to Vodka Bears which should have their own place in candy heaven. Basically you soak gummy bears in vodka for 24hours and then enjoy (think vodka watermelon like). The only draw back (besides being highly addictive) is the bears were all slimy and sticky. Eventually our hands were all coated with a sweet gooey gelatin like substance which made us look like we all were jerking off elephants.

The party was made even lamer when we discovered it was missing a key ingredient….glasses. We mixed fancy cocktails and martinis only to discover our options were plastic picnic cups or burger king tumblers. I personally drank out of a giant coffee mug with a snowman on it. Yeah, it was basically the tacky Christmas sweater version of beverage containers. One douche-bag (the one thing the party had an abundance of) asked me why I got the special mug. I replied “because I rock”. He obviously was not amused (or wanted to be a really bad pick up artist) and said “that is not an answer” to which I countered “oh no, it IS THE ONLY ANSWER”. He continued with “how can you just say that, I mean it is not proven or anything, ha ha ha”. I turned to Dana and broke up her conversation to ask if I rock, and she said “oh yes, Lindsay totally rocks”! I then turned back to the douche-bag and gave him a “see, told you” look. Ah ha ha ha…I rock!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The good, the bad, the ugly

The good: Ryan’s new toilet seat. The other choice was a Tiger prowling through tall grass. Not the image I want to think of when on a toilet.

The bad: Two girls and a cup video. I’m not including a clip of this because it is the most horrible movie ever! Seriously, most of the boys refuse to watch it. I think Bill has video of my reaction to seeing this movie clip. I’m just glad I didn’t vomit all over their carpet.

The ugly: Well Jensen is not ugly. I guess the ugly part is my soul since I did initiate the “hey, lets draw on him since he cannot defend himself”. Although, Ryan did score me the marker.

So the back story is that I stopped in Chicago for a couple of days on my way back to NYC. Earlier in the day, Ryan and I ate dinner while watching Fuse TV’s “pants off, dance off”. It was hilarious. Basically five regular people try to prove that they have a wild side and strip on cable television. Of course these people are pure armatures, and they totally suck. One guy got his shirt stuck over his head, and you know he was thinking (while stuck) “I should try to act sexy while I yank my shirt over my ears”, so he started shaking his ass. Yeah you just had to see it. Anyway, they have a pop up video like host who will pop up in the corner and sarcastically make fun of the person whenever they are struggling. One booty-licous girl turned around (so her ass faced the camera) in a thong, spread her legs, grabbed her ankles….and then waved. Huh? The host popped up and said “wait, did she just do a va-jay-wave, lets rewind and see”. Yep, it was hilarious! Plus it got us talking about having a bear living in your va-jay and he would swipe out a giant paw whenever someone tried to break into the “den”. Okay, you did need to be there.

Anyway I met up with Chicago friends at Bucktown pub that night. After drinking our fill, a large group headed back to Ryan’s where he promised to show us some amazing video. I’m thinking how can it possibly beat the train wreck pants off was, but oh how was I wrong. He screened the movie “Cool as Ice” starring Vanilla Ice for us. Okay, we didn’t watch the whole movie because he fast-forwarded only to the parts when Vanilla was a complete douche. Well the massively bad acting was too much for Jensen and he passed out on the couch. That is when I decided to decorate his face, and I have NEVER done that ever before. Well after drawing in the facial hair (complete with just ONE sideburn since he was sleeping on the other side), I decided it just needed more! We were all laughing so hard that I had to stop in the middle of writing “douche” to make sure I spelled it correctly (my punch-drunk mind almost put “dooche”).

I stayed at Ryan’s that night (him and Melanie are my Chicago hotels), and in the morning, I woke up to see Jensen’s forehead starring at me from across the room. I immediately started cracking up which made Jensen confused (hence had not looked in a mirror yet). The best was when Ryan started laughing from the other room just because he knew why I was so amused. No worries because it was washed off before he left the apartment.

Later I was dropped off at the airport, and the only story I have to report is that our stewardess was so dumb that she said “now hurry up people, we were waiting 30 minutes at the last airport” while holding up five fingers.