Normally my mom sends out a standard Christmas form letter. There is a paragraph dedicated to each family member and the letter usually started with "Well it is Christmas Eve and I am finally getting around to writing my Xmas letter, etc". Lame I know. In the past, she would always get key information wrong in the letter, and we would spend the holidays correcting relaitves and loose associates. The conversations would go
Family friend: so your mother says you won a triathlon in Chicago
Me: no no no, I competed in one, and finished it period
FF: well she says you had to swim 20 miles, that sounds so tough
Me: no, it was like 20 laps in the pool, more like a half mile
FF: well anyway I hear you are engaged
Me: not even close...I went on two dates with a guy and don't even know his last name.
You get the point. Last year she asked us to each write our own paragraph since she wsa A) lazy and B) tierd of us scolding her for getting everything grossly wrong. Since I write like a bitter teenage girl, she decided to let me write the whole thing. surprise surprise, it was a hit (well I'm not surprised). She did edit out all the swear words though.
Starting a new tradition, I have written the family Christmas letter again this year. Of course identifying information has been edited out and I apologize for its 'G' rating (how did I ever let myself sink so low...the next post will contain no fewer than ten penis references).
Behold the Family Christmas Letter:
Since I was not issued a cease and desist order from the censors for last year’s Christmas letter, Mom figured it would be okay for me to write on her behalf again. Behold the 2008 life and times of the XXX Family…according to me.
Mom continues to teach math to ornery 8th graders at [school name]. She keeps talking about retirement in a few years but I honestly don’t think that will happen until she starts teaching children of former students. In the last year, she has taken vacations to New York City, Chicago, DC, and Arizona. Amazingly, she easily navigates the public subway systems…probably because the way cab drivers zoom in an out of traffic makes her nervous. She remains the number one smuggler of imitation designer handbags in the state of Nebraska (yes, they are fake…they are ALL fake, when has a public school teacher from Nebraska been able to afford six Coach purses with matching wallets).
Dad finally retired this year from [company] after talking about it for the last ten years! Lately he has been working miscellaneous part time jobs between naps just to starve off boredom and to avoid doing any housework. He remains healthy and in good spirits despite his regiment diet of potato chips, ice cream, and frozen fish sticks. Actually, he tried to quit potato chips cold turkey, but caved after two weeks. Him and I are keeping busy researching stocks and playing the market in an effort to see who can lose more money (FYI, I’m totally winning, sad).
It is official and the paperwork has cleared, Angela is now a [last name]. She and her husband Brad are busy finishing their walk-out basement. This undertaking has forced Brad to learn several other trades like dry walling, tiling, plumbing, and whatever else they can google. Brad just celebrated his 11th year with [electric company], so he is entitled to a decorative engraved receptacle or something (yippee). Angela remains at XXX [company] as one of their top Program Managers. On a recent business trip, she made the FAA watch list for running “like a wild maniac” on the Atlanta tarmac (straight from her quote). Maybe this incident will give her more time to spend at home and try out new recipes which is her favorite pastime. She has a real knack for making just about anything except dough…pizza dough, her smug arch nemesis. Good thing she has enough dough to buy dough, ha ha ha (okay I have a lame sense of humor).
Tiffany and Aaron [last name] welcomed a baby girl on [date] which was 5 days late (or like a million according to Tiff). Her arrival was probably the most anticipated event ever for Mom (she couldn’t wait to be a professional Grandma)! Ava [last name] smiles all the time and likes to oohh, awe and make sounds while watching herself in the mirror (hey I do that too, God I’m gorgeous). The baby is taking after her grandpa Lynn and sleeps a good 10 hours a night now. Tiffany returned to teaching [subject] at [school name] after maternity leave where she gets to deal with twenty screaming kids instead of just one. Aaron had a good and tough year that started with shoulder surgery early on and ended with a promotion to Sales Specialist at work, Boston, the dog, is not loving the whole baby thing because it cuts into his “attention time”. Tiffany says he used to go up and explore the baby when she was on the ground, and now he just sulks away and shoots her dirty looks like a high school snob.
As for me (Lindsay), I recently left the Big Apple and moved back to Chicago which is still very much like living in NYC…just a whole lot colder. I still work for the same [company name] and was promoted to include Project Management. Yeah it is a lot fancy of words that mean I am paid to listen to people complain. I took three weeks off and traveled through Hong Kong, Thailand, and Vietnam. It was beautiful & smothering hot, and I came back with a renewed love for burgers & fries. I continue to date a “nice young man” (according to Mom) for over a year now which means he has outlasted some plants I own (that’s a good thing right). Along with some friends, I am learning Spanish and enjoy speaking it very grammatically incorrect. I swear how can you tell that an earring is a boy and a sweatshirt is a girl (and I think my belt is having an affair with my shirt).
As you can see, everyone is keeping busy in very different ways. However, we are most definitely related (come on…we totally look alike) and more than just ribbing Dad on his potato chip obsession binds us together. We hope you enjoyed this family recap of our exciting antics and possible law infractions.
Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays, The XXX Family