Monday, January 28, 2013

Relaxing...maybe a little too much

I joined a new gym.  I know boring news, but you have no idea how thrilled I am at the switch.  My previous mad ghetto gym had a few sad treadmills and an angry polish dominatrix kickbox instructor.  You know it is a depressing gym when it is a block away from one of the hotly contested gang corners and you get a free handgun with membership application.  It was almost as sad as the NYC Park District exercise center I joined in Manhattan that was turn-key children and old naked Korean women.

My work partnered up with the FFC gym brand to subsidize the monthly fee, so it worked out to be around the same price as my ghetto gym.  The FFC gym locker rooms are bigger and nicer than the entire ghetto gym as a whole.  Seriously, they have hair dryers every five feet with artfully arranged piles of tampons, lady Schick razors, and Q-tips.

Well my new AMAZING gym offers yoga and pilates twice to three times a day!  Now that my right knee is on life support, I need to ease way back on the step aerobics and running.  These classes are usually pretty quiet and you are bending into some odd positions.  Last week in pilates, the instructor said we were going to play and then took us through a series of poses that inadvertently sucked air into our buttholes.  Yeah you read right...air right up the ass!  I am sure all of us were feeling slightly uncomfortable while clenching our cheeks together.  The instructor went over to a woman to demonstrate a "hip opening leg stretch" on her.  In short, she ended up wrenching her foot up towards her ear resulting in a stretch beyond her sphincter rating.  In the middle of a dead silent class, a very load fart reverberated in the room.  The instructor (still clutching this poor woman's foot) was so startled that she blurted "oh my".  Since that fart broke the ice...two other people probably thought why not and let it rip too!  It was so comical I almost burst out laughing in class.

Today was another farting experience.  Ok yes I am a 14 year boy and find farting in public hilarious.  In yoga I was next to a smaller 45-ish woman standing on two mats stacked.  About five minutes into the class, I heard a distinct raspberry sound from the woman.  At first I giggled because it was a funny toot toot sound, but then I realized it must have been the two rubber mats rubbing against each other.  I convinced myself it must be the mats when the farting sounds regularly sounded every five or so minutes for the remainder of the class.  Towards the end when we would hold poses, I began to realize the tooting noises continued even though we were not moving or shifting the mats.  The last pose before resting was laying on the back with the knees spread and feet touching.  The staggered spacing of people lined up my head with her waist plus 4ft of separation between us.  Again another fart noise, but this time the smell wafted over me.  Oh wow, she really WAS farting all class.  I involuntarily scrunched up my face and shot her a "what are you eating" look.


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