Sunday, June 28, 2009

Asia Adventures - Post 11 (Koh Phangan, Thailand)

Although I gripe about the shady characters we met in Thailand, I have to admit it is a beautiful country. We caught a sunset on a private luxurious beach (some fancy hotel’s beach that we reached by climbing over some my ass). I could see why people would pay for their privacy because we observed an older man pick up a young Thai boy prostitute.

In order to travel light, I only brought three tank tops, two pairs of shorts, and a dress for the entire trip. Halfway through, I needed to wash my clothes. Thailand was full of little old ladies who would launder tourist’s clothes. The whole gang sent our filthy clothes out. I think this particular lady had a horny teenage son, because all of Olga’s thongs went missing. I have never been so glad to bring only giant comfy cotton underwear (grannys rule).

Another activity big in Thailand is drinking out of a bucket. Okay that sounds primeval, but it tastes delicious. You mix a can of red bull with a can of sprite (or coke classic) with 1/3 liter of bad Thai moonshine. All of this goes into a bucket with a handful of straws. You cart around your bucket and sip it all night. One of those will get you buzzed for the night. Two…well, lights out. Evan said about the bucket “it is fermented in my mouth.”

The restaurants (picnic tables on the beach) showed movies nightly. The movies were all in English…with subtitles in Thai…and sometimes subtitles in English too. It was funny because you could tell the movie distributer who had a cousin who could translate English into Thai and then that cousin had a friend who could translate Thai to English. The English subtitles did not match the spoken English because there was no Thai word for the English slang, so when you translate it back into English, the sentence was different. My favorite was during Kung Fu Panda. At one point some character said to the Panda, “what are you going to do, SIT on me?”, well the translation was “what are you going to do, SHIT on me?”.

One of our main reasons for visiting Koh Phangan was the infamous moon parties. The full moon parties are 10,000 people strong packed on a single beach, rocking out to several DJ’s and various other entertainment. The half moon parties are similar, except there are only about 3,000 people and it is held in the middle of the jungle. We grabbed our buckets and hopped on the taxi (which was nothing more than a pickup truck bed crammed with a dozen other tourists) for the half moon party. The party was everything you would expect from a rage, blasting DJ’s, fluorescent paint, strange drinks, and a FIRE DANCER!

Some geeky guy built up some liquid courage and tried to hit on one of the girls in our group. After he went down in flames Evan remarked, “you’ve got to punch your own weight class”. Ah ha ha ha, so true.

We were a couple of hours shy of dawn, and decided to call it a night. The taxis insisted on only taking full loads (full meaning everyone on a lap and a few lying down). While waiting in the truck bed for more party goers to filter out, we got to observe people who enjoyed themselves too much. Every puker was given a chorus of “oooohhh” and applause.

And now, pictures.
The beautiful beaches

Roosters right outside our window...nesting in a a TREE, WTF!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Lead by example

I overheard one of the girls in my trapeze class excitingly talking about getting her pole in the mail. Okay, I honestly immediately thought “stripper pole” but then reasoned down that she must be talking about a new shower curtain pole or drapery pole. Nope, right the first time. She later mentioned she now has six poles in her studio. I couldn’t resist asking “why do you have six stripper poles” (as if one wasn’t enough)? Turns out she teaches pole dancing lessons. She gushed that it is so much fun and offered to give me some free lessons since some of her classes are not full. I figured why not.

So now I pole dance. Mention this on a first date and it has a 100% rate of return for a second date offer. It is actually A LOT harder than it looks. Well granted I don’t look sexy at all, I am more like the gangly teenager making grimacing faces and grunting. Also to further kill the mental image, the girls in the class don’t wear stripper clothes; we are all in gym shorts and baggy t-shirts. I’ve learned about a dozen spins and can now climb up the pole. Actually, I can “sit” on the pole which is like squeezing the pole between your thighs and holding yourself up there without hands. It is equivalent to giving your inner thighs an Indian burn and then bitch slapping them. I have mad bruises down there so thankfully none of my dates have progressed more than the kiss goodnight.

Our instructor arranged for a field trip to…what else…a strip joint. Yeah, best teacher EVER! A group of about 15 girls headed down to ‘Pole Kats’ on Chicago’s south side. The bouncer knew our instructor because she evidently frequents there and has taught half the girls there how to pole dance. Coincidently it was their 4-year anniversary celebration that night. The night would be filled with prize giveaways, the best dancers, and even porn star appearances. Game on!

I couldn’t believe this place. It had four poles showcased on the floor, two of which were over 20’ tall and situated on the main stage. Our gaggle of girls was seated at a few tables off to the side of the main stage. Dancers kept frequenting our tables to either say hello to our instructor (their former instructor) or to offer up their lap dancing services. I would reply “I am here on a field trip…I came to watch” all eager like. The dancers did not disappoint. They would do a trick and our instructor would point out what it was. Yeah it was the most NC-17-rated lesson ever, but I did feel proud knowing that I have learned the same move in class.

The dancers were amazing! They really did put only the best of the best on the stage for the anniversary party. Our instructor even said the dancing was way better than normal. Girls would climb the whole 20’ plus pole, grab on to the roof joists, and start swinging from the rafters. One girl climbed the pole upside down which is super hard (and even our instructor was all, “damn, that is ridiculous, she is awesome strong”). One girl laid her body out horizontally (superman style) while another stood atop her and danced while they slid down the entire length of the pole.

Not only were the dancers amazing on the pole, they had the most ridiculous bodies. Every shape and size you could imagine was represented from the super tall thin model to the size 16 plus curvy girl with size F boobies. They didn’t have any cellulite (even the big girls) and all looked and moved super sexy. Impressive! The place even had a MIDGET! Yeah, a perfectly proportioned 4 foot tall midget stripper. I say proportioned because she looked like a miniaturized person and not one of those dwarfs with the big head and torso with stubby arms.

Around midnight the porn stars were brought up on the main stage. These girls must have starred in some cheap Motel 6 porno because they were not attractive at all. Their bodies had no curves and better resembled 12 year old girls. They yelled out “who wants some porn” while waving around a bunch of DVD’s. Surprisingly, the crowd of men around the stage was quiet. I guess they were distracted watching the naked girls with hot bodies spin around the pole. The porn stars decided to divert the attention back to them by stripping off their clothes and making out with each other. I wish I could say it was hot, but I felt like a pedophile looking at those middle school bodies.

Best field trip EVER…eat your heart out Natural History Museum!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Strike a pose

My knee has been giving me grief. Turns out I have an irritated IT band tendon. Irritated is an understatement, it is downright menstruating. Anyway, I needed to find a new activity. A couple of months ago I found a trapeze school that had a free trial week for all their classes. I tried out silks which is what you see in the Cirque du Soleil (where the person wraps up in a giant hanging fabric and “flies” around the ring). It felt like climbing a rope for two hours but the rope was actually a slip in slide. I had to resort to spraying tough skin all over my feet. Oh boy is that a treat to scrub off later.

I ended up signing up 8 weeks of areal trapeze lessons…or doing chin ups until I puke. The first three lessons, my palms would be covered in blisters that would bleed through the athletic tape. Yaaaay fun. Then the blisters turned into calluses. Now I have workman hands! Seriously, I have calluses on my knuckles…who gets those? I do admit, my back and arms are all Million Dollar Baby like now.

By the time of the last class, I was able to do the craziest stuff like hang from one ankle and flip around the bar. I brought my camera to document everything, but we had a substitute instructor and she wouldn’t let us do half the cool stuff we have learned and perfected. Here are some cool pictures though (and yes it is a lot harder than it looks).

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Pick'ins are slim...or evidently incredibly well hung

People have been asking me to post the rundown of my “yes phase”. Okay, to back up some, I signed up for eHarmony. I am pretty particular about who I date, so I was denying practically everyone who requested communication with me. Then I figured I had nothing to lose, so why shouldn’t I just meet these harmless guys. Hence the “yes phase”. I was so wrong; I did have something to lose…my free time. At least it makes for some great and practically unbelievable stories. Seriously, I am not kidding…if anything, at least read the last part of the post.

Okay, online dating does give you some liberties to highlight the positive and hide the negative. However, if you intend on eventually meeting the person, then you should be honest. Don’t list your height as 5’-11” if you are actually 5’-5”. Seriously, I would say half the guys I met totally lied about their height. It is one thing to say 5’-11” and really be 5’-9” (we all have the height we think we are) but to be ½ a foot are either hoping your date is Helen Keller or have a seriously skewed view of yourself.

Another favorite lie is personal appearance. I have relatively recent pictures of myself posted (of course I post the most flattering ones, but at least they are recent). Case in point, guy had a full head of black hair in the picture and thinning gray hair (not even salt and pepper) in person. When was that picture taken…1992? Oh and I love it when they post pictures of themselves BEFORE gaining 50 pounds. My friend Gwendolyn said she was supposed to meet an “online” guy at the movies. When she arrived at the theater, she didn’t recognize any of the single guys waiting around as her date. Then she called him, and the phone of a gigantic fatty in the corner started to ring. Okay, I didn’t have any 50 pound plus weight gain guys, but quite a few had a faint resemblance to the posted picture.

About half the guys lie about their jobs too. They list it as either banking or finance (and one even said secret agent) thinking that is what women are really looking for. Guess what…they are all in IT! I usually get the truth out of them like “oh finance, that is such a broad field…are you in corporate, trading, futures, etc…oh so you work in a bank…as their IT technician”.

My favorite job response was “personal trainer for ice skaters”. I was curious since that is a very specific area to get into. Turns out he was a former semi-professional male figure skater. Ah ha ha ha! You will be so proud of me for not asking “are you sure you like women” or “do you own anything with SEQUINS” during the date (oh and keeping a straight face).

Most of the guys have been really nice guys but frankly only a 4 on a good day. I am up front enough with the guy to send him the “I don’t want to waste your time, I thing you would make a nice friend, but I don’t see this going anywhere romantically, but you should have no problem finding another girl because you are such a nice guy” email afterwards. Normally, they just close out the match without response, but today I was treated to my first rejection retort. Oh boy, Christmas has come early! Half of my friends have already been forwarded this because it is way too hilarious! Note I will NOT be posting his last name, picture, or phone number…I am just not THAT mean. Word for word (seriously you can’t make this stuff up), here is his attempt to change my mind:

Hi Lindsay,
I also had a lot of fun on Sunday and I am definitely now feeling the sunburn on my neck! Ouch!
That's too bad about the friendship vibe, but I have to say that I'm not surprised at all. I've been on eharm for over a year now and I've gotten so many emails like the one you just sent that I've lost count.
I don't suppose that being "huge" would make a difference? Normally I would never tell someone that after only two dates but after a year of unsuccessful internet dating what do I have to lose? I really do use magnum condoms. Most women in my life only look at me as a friend but I've always wondered "Would these women like as as more than just a friend if they could look past my nice guy exterior and see what I have to offer on the inside....of my pants!"
It seems like such a shame that my enormous man goods are currently going to waste.
Anyway, no worries. I'm glad I met you and I wish you the best of luck! Actually, you won't need any luck. You're a very attractive woman, you'll have NO problem finding someone.
Back to the drawing board!

Saturday, June 13, 2009


Here are some pictures of my niece. She is about 8-1/2 months old and has a personality now. When I saw her at Christmas, she was little more than a sack of potatoes. Now she is all giggly and grabby. We are trying to coax her into walking now.

Stuck in the Middle.

Lately there is talk about making overly obese people buy two seats on the airplane. I am against this policy because if dieting were easy, everyone would be thin right? Now after my recent flight home, I am less sympathetic. I unluckily was assigned a middle seat. To make matters worse, squished in the window seat was a monstrously fat woman. I felt bad for her because she had to ask for the seat belt extender. One side of her body was pressed up against the side of the plane and even then, her body spilled into half my seat. Our legs were touching hip to knee. She had her elbow on the arm rest (which was seriously reducing circulation to her lower half) and the arm fat overlapped onto to my chest. I sat there practically huddled in the fetal position thinking “okay, I am uncomfortable but so is she and this flight is only 40 minutes”. Then she pulls out a book and starts to read. I look over and notice she is sweating! Seriously…sweating! Beads of sweat were forming on her forehead and her arm and thigh were soaking through her clothes. Now I have heard of obese people sweating while they eat, but sweating while they READ! I almost burst out laughing.