Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Pick'ins are slim...or evidently incredibly well hung

People have been asking me to post the rundown of my “yes phase”. Okay, to back up some, I signed up for eHarmony. I am pretty particular about who I date, so I was denying practically everyone who requested communication with me. Then I figured I had nothing to lose, so why shouldn’t I just meet these harmless guys. Hence the “yes phase”. I was so wrong; I did have something to lose…my free time. At least it makes for some great and practically unbelievable stories. Seriously, I am not kidding…if anything, at least read the last part of the post.

Okay, online dating does give you some liberties to highlight the positive and hide the negative. However, if you intend on eventually meeting the person, then you should be honest. Don’t list your height as 5’-11” if you are actually 5’-5”. Seriously, I would say half the guys I met totally lied about their height. It is one thing to say 5’-11” and really be 5’-9” (we all have the height we think we are) but to be ½ a foot off...you are either hoping your date is Helen Keller or have a seriously skewed view of yourself.

Another favorite lie is personal appearance. I have relatively recent pictures of myself posted (of course I post the most flattering ones, but at least they are recent). Case in point, guy had a full head of black hair in the picture and thinning gray hair (not even salt and pepper) in person. When was that picture taken…1992? Oh and I love it when they post pictures of themselves BEFORE gaining 50 pounds. My friend Gwendolyn said she was supposed to meet an “online” guy at the movies. When she arrived at the theater, she didn’t recognize any of the single guys waiting around as her date. Then she called him, and the phone of a gigantic fatty in the corner started to ring. Okay, I didn’t have any 50 pound plus weight gain guys, but quite a few had a faint resemblance to the posted picture.

About half the guys lie about their jobs too. They list it as either banking or finance (and one even said secret agent) thinking that is what women are really looking for. Guess what…they are all in IT! I usually get the truth out of them like “oh finance, that is such a broad field…are you in corporate, trading, futures, etc…oh so you work in a bank…as their IT technician”.

My favorite job response was “personal trainer for ice skaters”. I was curious since that is a very specific area to get into. Turns out he was a former semi-professional male figure skater. Ah ha ha ha! You will be so proud of me for not asking “are you sure you like women” or “do you own anything with SEQUINS” during the date (oh and keeping a straight face).

Most of the guys have been really nice guys but frankly only a 4 on a good day. I am up front enough with the guy to send him the “I don’t want to waste your time, I thing you would make a nice friend, but I don’t see this going anywhere romantically, but you should have no problem finding another girl because you are such a nice guy” email afterwards. Normally, they just close out the match without response, but today I was treated to my first rejection retort. Oh boy, Christmas has come early! Half of my friends have already been forwarded this because it is way too hilarious! Note I will NOT be posting his last name, picture, or phone number…I am just not THAT mean. Word for word (seriously you can’t make this stuff up), here is his attempt to change my mind:

Hi Lindsay,
I also had a lot of fun on Sunday and I am definitely now feeling the sunburn on my neck! Ouch!
That's too bad about the friendship vibe, but I have to say that I'm not surprised at all. I've been on eharm for over a year now and I've gotten so many emails like the one you just sent that I've lost count.
I don't suppose that being "huge" would make a difference? Normally I would never tell someone that after only two dates but after a year of unsuccessful internet dating what do I have to lose? I really do use magnum condoms. Most women in my life only look at me as a friend but I've always wondered "Would these women like as as more than just a friend if they could look past my nice guy exterior and see what I have to offer on the inside....of my pants!"
It seems like such a shame that my enormous man goods are currently going to waste.
Anyway, no worries. I'm glad I met you and I wish you the best of luck! Actually, you won't need any luck. You're a very attractive woman, you'll have NO problem finding someone.
Back to the drawing board!


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