Ava turns 1

My niece turned one over Labor Day weekend. Of course I played the part of a horrible Aunt and celebrated by taking a three week vacation to the other side of the globe. Your welcome. I hear she is walking and talking now (and by talking I mean shrieking out all sorts of sounds that don't at all resemble language). I did pick up some choice gifts for her that will either annoy or embarass her parents (yay!). I plan on spending quality time with her over Christmas because that girl is just not going to learn swear words on her own. Here are pics of the adorable offspring of my Sister (yes she really is that damn cute).

Critical Mass

Here are pictures from the Critical Mass bike ride at the End of July. It is called critical mass essentially because the numbers are great enough to make a difference. Sure five bikes riders may be able to stop some traffic, but 5,000 can in effect close off the entire road. Critical Mass is different for every person. Some like to use it as a forum to promote conservation of fossil fuels. Others just want a social environment to hang out with their friends and ride their bike. Personally, I have been curious about the ride for years and finally decided why not try it. I met up with some friends (many of whom bike to work often) down at the starting point, Daley Center Plaza in the heart of the Loop. There were several costumes and statement bikes, but I was most pleased to see that my friends had brought beer. Yeah those side car grocery bag carriers held three cases plus ice…nice. Yes, drinking in public is against the law, but so long as you are not advertising it (hence the coozie) and not swerving all over the place. I was impressed to discover I could drink a beer AND ride my bike in a straight line at the same time. Granted, there were so many people that the pace was around 5-7 miles per hour (average people can run that fast). I am happy to report I made it through the entire ride (and most of one case) without a single crash, fall, or major incident. Yaaaaay! The ride ended at some scary backyard junkyard that was playing rave DJ music and broadcasting footage from the naked ride (tits!). The majority of people had peeled off before then since the ride lasted around 5-1/2 hours and approximately 45miles which is plain bananas.

Here is one story from the ride. Like I said, some people approach critical mass as a way to piss off and scold car drivers. Some bike riders were downright furious with car drivers and would pound on the car hoods or doors when we rode by. I felt bad for the drivers because it wasn’t their fault getting caught in the ride (there is no route, just follow the leader) and some possibly may have needed body work afterwards. Well one driver had enough and got out of his car to shout at the bikers. I learned that, no matter if you are right, never ever take on a mob. As soon as he started to shout and swear, twenty cyclists surrounded his car and started to pound on it. He then tried to drive away (which you can’t do because the road is clogged with thousands of cyclists) and lunged his car forward into the mob. Okay imagine how hostile the mob was and now turn it up thirty notches. I am sure this wasn’t the only incident to occur on the ride, but it was the only one I witnessed.

Love Bogey

Boy do I have a back log of stories to write about. Some of these are from June. JUNE!!! So, my apologies if I have kept you waiting.
First I should say I am watching an episode of house hunters (god I love HGTV) and the couple is looking to buy in Uptown Chicago. I am shouting at the TV “don’t do it!”. I don’t know when they filmed it, but they are making it out to be some glamorous place to be. I wonder how much they paid off the gangbangers. Anyway the place they purchased is literally down the street from me (yeah that is my cemetery I joke to people about).

Moving on, here are pictures from my kickball teammate’s 25th birthday party. Of course you know it is a 25 year old’s birthday when the theme involves the women dressing up as sluts. We all remember the college parties of pimp and ho’s, or gangsters and ho’s, or school girl sluts…you get the picture. As we age, the costume theme parties switch to convenient, funny, or absurd to account for the lack of our 21 year old bodies. The party’s theme was ‘golf pros and tennis hos’, yes clever. The highlights include one person showing up with a golf club. At first I thought it totally completed the outfit. Later I realized drunk people plus a blunt object weapon equal a bad idea. Yeah after some drunk girl (not me I swear) started dancing with the club, the bartender thankfully confiscated it and hid it behind the bar. Also a girl randomly did a back flip in the bar. Granted she was wearing a short tennis skirt and a thong…good choice. I ended up getting a skinned knee because a friend decided to pick me up and then drop me because he couldn’t balance with another 100+ pounds in his arms. He then blurted out as an excuse “I didn’t think you were so heavy”. Thanks jackass. I later got revenge by bitch slapping him on his belly bare skin. He was going to pick up another girl (literally pick up) and I yanked up his shirt and slapped his stomach to make him think twice about that. The night ended with passing out at the Biter’s house. Yes the Biter. I don’t believe I wrote about him before. The first time we drunkenly made out, he practically mauled me in the back of a cab. He would bite down hard on my lip and it hurt enough to punch him back. In a completely unexpected turn of events, he actually was aroused by me fighting back. There was so much assault going on that the cab driver became concerned and tried to pull over. Later in my living room he bit my neck, so I grabbed a pair of scissors (I was crocheting a blanket) and cut a chunk of his hair off. The next morning, we were eating breakfast and noticed the tuft of hair on the coffee table. He reached up to his head and felt the bare spot before shooting me a “what did we do last night” look. Hence he get the nickname “the Biter”. Well I ended up passing out at his house (fully clothed mind you). I was woken up in the morning by his curious cat who was pawing at the strange woman in his master’s bed. I pushed the cat away, and it came back to me. I then started to pick it up and move it off the bed. The cat was a damn boomerang because it kept coming back to me. I then decided to make it the Biter’s problem, and started to throw the cat on him. He didn’t wake up and the cat freaking loved this game of fetch. Amused, I started to stuff the cat down his pants or in his shirt. The man was out cold and the cat started purring. Yep, that was one of the most unusual morning of my life.

I'm back

Sorry for the long delay (to all of my three faithful followers), but I was out of the country and completely away from internet access. I traveled through the lower Mediterranean and have hell-a lot of stories to share. For example, traveling through a predominantly Muslim country during Ramadan. Or maybe being in the West Bank one day and then have missiles launched from Syria the next. Or maybe leaving Turkey two days prior to the mass flash floods with alarming casualty numbers. Or maybe arriving in Athens only days after they extinguished the super huge fires that consumed some of the city. Yeah, somehow I was the luckiest bastard alive and came back safe, sound, secure, and with a mortal vendetta towards Altalia airlines (those assholes). Regular posting to resume later this week.