Monday, December 10, 2007

Are you sure it has not gone bad?

Saturday night was another date with Marathon Man. I guess we are in the stage of dating where you cook for each other. Well we decided to cook something that is completely indigenous to our upbringings. Being from Hawaii, M-Man cooked me Spam Sushi. Yeah, it really is as gross as it sounds. Basically you fry spam, add rice and some spices, and then wrap it all in seaweed. The state of Hawaii consumes more Spam per person than anywhere else in the world. Go figure, I thought they would be more into pineapple or something else not labeled with a question mark.

I wondered what Spam stood for. Select Parts of Animal Meat, Special Pigs of Alternative Markets, Stupid People All-purpose Meat. Turns out (according to the website) it doesn’t stand for anything. Basically it is a combination of random letters….just like the product is a combination of random animals.

Okay, I have never eaten Spam before, but I don’t think I was missing out. I mean the three main ingredients are pork with ham, mechanically separated chicken, and salt. What…pork with ham….I thought pork WAS ham! Also, mechanically separated chicken….why wouldn’t they just put chicken on the label? That is unless mechanically separated chicken is just a fancy way of saying grinded up beaks and feathers. In all actuality, they should have listed salt first because it tasted like rubberized salt, dipped in salt finished with salt juice.

It is still beyond me why people would willingly eat this meat product (or just meat colored product). The thing makes a suction noise when it is squeezed out of can! Yes, a giant sucking, what the hell is that noise, only to be followed by the juicy dead fish plop of the mass on the plate! Still after reading the ingredient list and enduring the smell of it being cooked (like burning hair and rubber but in meat format), I still was forced to EAT IT! I figured it would act better at stripping furniture than providing a wholesome meal. Anyway, I choked it down (literally gagging as I ate) to appease the boy.

I contributed to the evening with dessert. I was introduced to creative mixing of random ingredients by my Mother who also does not know how to cook. Seriously, I can barely make mac N cheese from the box or get a pre mix pancake to escape the skillet without a char. I even request that my eggs be overcooked to the point of being burnt and crispy when ordering at a restaurant because that is the only way I know how to cook them. People ask me “didn’t your Mom teach you how to cook” to which I reply “no…she doesn’t know how to cook either”. Anyway, my favorite dessert is chocolate ice cream with rippled potato chips. Trust me, the combination of sweet and salty is awesome! Think of it as French fries dipped in a frosty. Mmmmmnn. Needless to say, his taste buds must be malfunctioning because he preferred the Spam!


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