Who wears short shorts...

I’ve said it before, but Halloween is my favorite holiday. Yes I realize it is mid December and I am writing about October…ah happy memories of warmer times.
Last year I was invited to two fabulous parties. One had us playing charades, which may sound dull but was actually quite fun if you get a bunch of drunk adults together. The game gets even more interesting when you have to act out “whale penis” or “cell phone picture of brett farve’s junk”. Jewed Law made the game interactive by writing up slips involving another guest. Thanks to him, one guy got a lap dance and I ended up sticking my finger in a very perplexed guy’s mouth. The funny thing is that this relative stranger let me put my finger in his mouth once and almost let me stick it in a second time.
The second part was a “mash-up” theme. This means you take two ideas or characters and mash them together. I was dressed as a giant banana with a hammock draped around my shoulders…get it, a banana hammock (or a giant banana hammock because if I was a dude, I would require a big one…oh yeah). Some other good ones were lady ga-ga-zilla, pee-wee Herman Munster, sonic youth the hedgehog, carrot top chef, poison ivy (poison being the rock band), Salvador dolly, finding captain nemo, and my favorite Jiffy Pope. How awesome is Jiffy Pope! His cape was aluminum foil, his scepter cane thing (forgive me I am not catholic, so I don’t know the formal name for everything) instead of a scroll was a stovetop jiffy pop package, and the best part was that his hat (miter I think) was filled with POPCORN! Okay this is sacrilegious, but he would bless people and feed them pieces of popcorn like communion.
The mash up theme party was such as hit, that it was copied for a Halloween party this year. With all the great costumes last year, I had to think a bit to come up with something totally balling. A quick trip to the local thrift store on ½ price day (yes I do know when my thrift store has ½ price days…hey don’t judge, it is a sweet deal and the people watching is awesome) and for about $7 I picked up my entire costume. I purchased a size 50 men’s khaki pants. Holding them up, I had a weight watchers moment…you know when they can fit into one leg of the giant pair of pants. Anyway, I needed the huge pants in order to create motorcycle pants like what George Patton favored. Yep I was going as Patton…Dolly Patton (a mix of Dolly Parton and General Patton). I cut in a waist and leg below the knee to make it fit perfectly. One thing I realized was that men wearing size 50 pants have HUGE asses! The crotch extended down to my knees! Don’t believe me, go wander around the big and tall section in Montgomery Ward. Sewing I can handle, but the hard part was incorporating gigantic balloons into my chest. They were so big I couldn’t see my toes or grasp my hands in front of me. I guess she has gotten used to them over time.
Jewed Law’s costume was much simpler to create. During our paint the condo weekend, he was wearing a really tight pair of jeans. We spent the weekend trading jibes about his tight jeans and how he should audition for the Thunder Down Under male review. Anyway, I wanted to work these jeans into his outfit. The only thing I could come up with was making hot pant a la Daisy Duke. Surprisingly he was down with this (not gay I swear). The first cut I made was about boxer length…then he let me go a little (or a lot) higher. The end result cracks me up even thinking about it. The other part of his costume was some cardboard guns, a cigar, and a red tank top for….Duke Nukem. Finished product = Daisy Duke Nukem.
I don’t know if it was his milky thighs or my riding crop (made from a coat hanger and some electrical tape…I am Mac-fucking-Gyver), but our costumes were a hit. Other witty combos were a zom-bee (half zombie and half bee), the wicked witch of the Northwestern, Jew-do (judo), and a unicorn-on-the-cob (ah ha ha ha…the horn was actually an ear of corn).