Saturday, September 24, 2011

I know my shit

Okay here is the warning…this post will be disgusting. Full of poop and other bodily functions, so stop now if you don’t want to read about my starfish.
I signed up for a colonoscopy. No this wasn’t like speed dating where I did it only because it would make for a good story. It is a long story that involves cancer (don’t worry, not me directly). Anyway here is where I start talking out my ass, ah ha ha ha.
About a week prior to the procedure, I was prescribed a laxative to help clear out the pipes before the colon blow liquid was administered on the last day. I would say I am on one end of the pooping spectrum where a bowel movement is three days in the making. Yes I know, that is strange but not that uncommon for women who routinely eat junk food instead of vegetables.
Well fashion models and insecure sorority girls would line up for this laxative. I mean it was prescription grade. I watched the progression of my poop from goat pellets to soup. I soon nicknamed my ass Swamp Thang as each wipe looked more and more like algae (hey I warned you there would be copious poop talk). At one point, I was going poop EVERY time I visited the restroom. SIX TIMES in one day alone…now that is a lot of shitting.
The day before the procedure, I was put on a liquid diet. This included an instruction sheet with all the allowable substances. Apparently liquid diet doesn’t necessary mean “liquid”. Here are some of the more peculiar approved items:
• Soda pop
• Popsicles
• Hard candy
• Jello (except no red jello)
Yeah they prohibited read and purple items. I don’t know if the red & purple dye would taint the inside of the colon…or if it would just be too disturbing to see red liquid gushing out of your ass.
My bowels were making the strangest noises while on this liquid diet (previewed by industrial strength laxatives). There was farting, shifting organs, snap crackle and popping, and a down right growl (which supports the Swamp Thang is hiding in my ass theory).
The evening prior to the procedure, I had to drink the colon blow liquid. Mine was called movi-prep but another common one is go-lightly. You have to drink down a liter of the lemon-lime liquid. The first couple of glasses are okay. The third starts to make you gag, and the fourth & fifth is a battle of wills. Thankfully my mother gave me the tip of sip then suck (on a sucker…get your mind out of the toilet). I thought the stuff would take action immediately, but soon got bored waiting with my pants down on the toilet. I was able to hang on the couch with Jewed Law and run to the toilet during commercial breaks. He did make me laugh hard enough once to make me poop myself…a little. Now that is a relationship.
The morning of was a repeat of the night before except the product coming out of my ass was yellow water. I wasn’t allowed to drink water, so eventually I ran out of juice and the chemicals made my butthole just dry heave (cringing yet?). Thankfully I am young and strong so I was able to run errands before heading over to the hospital. Granted there was a serious butt cheek clenching moment at the dry cleaners.
In a strange experiment, I decided to weigh myself before and after the fasting and colon cleansing. Four pounds! FOUR pounds of shit harbored in my body (although most of the weight loss likely was due to dehydration and water loss).
Smooth sailing with the doctor. I remember bits and pieces of the afternoon like trying to watch the TV screen broadcasting the inside of my poop shoot. Jewed Law picked me up and said I was all sorts of crazy stumbling. After no real food for 48 hours, I insisted we go to McDonalds (yes I know, serious lack of judgment here), not any McDonalds but ghetto McDonalds over in my neighborhood (again judgment out the window). I stomped over to the counter and demanded a double cheeseburger without the cheese.
After eating my shameburger, I spent the rest of the evening drifting in and out of my drugged haze. One side effect of the colonoscopy is gas…massive amounts of gas…enough to impregnate my mattress.
Good and bad news. Good news, everything checked out all okay. Bad news, I have no excuse now for my fowl bodily functions.
The BEFORE picture...happy and ready to go.

The AFTER picture...drugged out of my mind.


Post a Comment

<< Home