Actually being on speed may make it more bearable

My awesome friends were totally sympathetic of my “newly single” status on my birthday. They offered to verbally bash my ex or set me up with “the hot guy” at their work (tears…so sweet). They also supplied me with plenty of alcohol. So much so that when Gwendolyn invited me to go speed dating with her, I belted out “oooookAY!” I don’t know how to do the link thing, but I have a post from October 22, 2007, that details my previous awful speed dating experience. I vowed never to subject myself to it again…but delicious beer makes me quite agreeable.

When she called a few days later to remind me of the event, I immediately slapped my forehead. I psyched myself up beforehand thinking “well this is an entirely different group of guys, and they are Chicago boys who are very unlike NYC boys, and other people say they had fun so maybe I just was unlucky”. The group was 23-33 college graduates only which sounded promising enough right. Oh no brown cow, I was soooo wrong.

Different city, same sample of men. Out of the 17 men there, only two were over 5’-5”. Yes, I am totally superficial and shallow…I just don’t want my children to end up like Danny Devito. One of the “tall guys” was actually a nice friend of Gwendolyn’s who I have met a few times before (but he was off limits). The vast majority of the guys were complete social retards or thought they were total players. Gwen and I quickly moved our tables together for moral support…and to share the pitcher of sangria we were downing to get through the event.

They give you a piece of paper to write down the guy’s name and a few key notes that would make you remember him when selecting the matches at the end of the night. Here are my notes (and yes, I am THAT un-PC and mean):

M (guy 2) – short Asian, likes to watch TV
A (guy 3) – short Indian, bad teeth!
J (guy 4) – short blonde, east coast
S (guy 5) – short, skinny, blah blah blah scribble (you can tell I was NOT interested in the first 10 seconds)
F (guy 6) – SWEATER VEST!
C (guy 7) – short Asian math teacher
M (guy 8) – short Indian doctor
E (guy 9) – massive eyebrows!!!!
J (guy 10) – old Czech professor (more on him later)
I (guy 11) – short, Columbian
M (guy 12) – ELF?
T (guy 14) – big guy, sausage fingers
R (guy 15) – NO NO NO NO! (seriously, this is exactly I wrote down in my notes)
J (guy 16) – no personal space…and short
D (guy 17) – short Indian player pimp

A lot of these guys had no personal space boundaries, so they would lean in really close to talk. I would instinctively back away, but the tricky thing was that the girls literally had their backs against a wall. I would then start bobbing and weaving my head around to avoid breaking the 4 inch barrier.

One guy’s idea of conversation was staring gap mouthed at me while saying “what”. At first I would just repeat myself louder, but after a dozen or so annoying what’s later, I asked him if I was speaking too softly or if the room just too loud for him to hear me. He then said “oh, I’m sorry, I just keep getting distracted looking at your beautiful face”. The compliment was nice, but I wanted to deck the sleazeball. The funny thing is that when he moved on to the next girl (sitting no more than 2 feet from me), I heard him say the EXACT SAME LINE to her. Douche!

The brass ring of the night was the 55 year old professor. Yes, fifty freaking five! I wonder how awesome his fake ID must be because the event had an age cap of 33. He introduced himself by telling me he was a physics professor at Loyola and that we should colonize the moon because the earth is overcrowded. Seriously, this is what he said within the first 10 seconds of meeting me. Ah ha ha ha!

When Gwendolyn’s friend Dave came around, we held up our sheets and started to compare notes. He said although all the girls looked cute and were friendly, they were all idiots. He started to play a game of counting how many times a girl would say “like” or talk about celebrity gossip. He also would start cursing (I mean excessive cursing like “can you f-ing believe all this shit, it is f-ing awesome, damn!”) just to make the girl uncomfortable. Before he moved on, he said he would try acting crazy by saying “I LOVE speed dating because it is so much better than taking speed…yaaaaaay!” Gwendolyn and I agreed to start rumors that he is gay.

After the event, everyone was encouraged to mingle and get some extra face time with some participants you connected with. That was Gwen, Dave, and my cue to drink more. The three of us holed up in the corner and shared our collective horror stories of the night. Gwendolyn mentioned the tiny bald guy, and I said “oh, I thought he was an elf”. She then said “maybe he can fix my shoes” and Dave chimed in “…or bake us cookies”. Yes, we will rot in hell.

When Dave got up to use the restroom, sleazy guys zoomed in for the kill. One actually asked me who I picked and I almost blurted out “well not you..phseeh”. Dave came back and we hoped he would try to intimidate the peons and make them move. Instead, he just laughed at our situation and walked away. Gwendolyn then spilt her drink (well it was a fake spill that was obvious that she was trying to do it) and excused herself to go clean up. I jumped up with a ‘me too’ and ran off.

Out of all 17 guys I met that night, I only selected ONE that I was willing to go on a real date with. Yes, yes, it was the other guy who was over 5’-5”…but hey, I am into tall guys. From now on, whenever I am out drinking with my friends, I will repeat this mantra in my head “never agree to go speed dating again…NEVER!”