Brand new Uterus - never been used.

I flew back to Nebraska for Christmas and finally got to meet my niece in person. Here is what I know about her: her ears stick straight out, she vomits approximately every ten minutes (they call it spit up, but if food goes into a person and then comes back out the mouth, I call it vomiting), she knows how to roll from her stomach onto her back, and is constantly sticking out her tongue. One time she performed a combination of her “tricks” all in one instance, she stuck out her tongue, burped then projectile vomited which propelled her to roll on to her back. Everyone cheered and clapped while I was the only one to find it disgusting.

Now I am hesitant to publish photos of the kid and me together because people will take one look and automatically assume she is mine. Oh no Billie Jean, I am not the one. I wanted to get my niece a jumper or sign that said “not my mommy” or maybe I would wear a shirt saying “ain’t no baby momma”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not anti baby. I just don’t want to fan wild rumors or anything. Eventually I’d like to have children because frankly the crack me up (and then I could finally cancel my cable). Case in point, the children of my best friend from high school, Shannon. While I was in my hometown over Christmas, I met up with a group of high school friends for a progressive dinner party. Essentially each course was served at a different house. When we reached the final house (dessert), Shannon’s 4 and 5 year old girls greeted us at the door and excitedly proclaimed they had a CHOCOLATE fountain! Well the girls didn’t need to tell us anything because their faces said it all. They had not just a chocolate mustache, but also a goatee (like they had been dipping their faces in and drinking directly from the fountain). Later all the adults were relaxing with beer and wine (God I love being an adult), and the girls decided to dress up in various princess dresses and perform ballet routines for us. Of course the adults had been enjoying booze all night, so we encouraged the girls, “ Spin around! Now do a cartwheel!” I think the girls made three costume changes (they have a lot of princess dresses) before the adults started to take part in the recital. Brandon successfully did a cartwheel and at one point Dru was going to score $50 for getting into the splits.

Earlier in the night, Rollie said my life exhausts him. Maybe that explains why I take so many naps.

My niece Ava






This is exactly how she looks 90% of the time


She has a bald spot on her head (ha!)


My sister and brother-in-law with their kid (notice the spit up on his shirt)