Bring a spare pair of pants.

Saturday was a momentous day…the opening of Six Flags New Jersey. Not only do I get to ride roller coaster but I get to silently judge hundreds of teenage skanks. Yeah, the Jersey Girl uniform at the park was: tight tank top with bedazzled phrase like “too hot to handle” or “boobie-licious”, visible bra & strap (in contrasting color of tank top), low rise jeans that are much too tight (ie muffin top), the occasional whale tail top of the thong peaking out, and athletic sneaker although the only sports they participate in are keg stands and chewing gum. I’m not kidding about the gum chewing. I would be standing in line beside a girl and she would address her peers in a fragmented language only understood by legal retards. I honestly thought they would choke on those massive wads while on the rides (on a bright note that would make the lines shorter).

Marathon Man is an avid roller coaster fan. The teachers gang and him are the fanatics that show up on opening day and buy season passes. Then they all hype each other up the week beforehand by saying “oh man I’m going to ride El Torro like ten times on Saturday”. I don’t know if it is the excitement, adrenaline, or diet of pure sugar and funnel cakes that excite the guys so much. Unfortunately due to scheduling issues (and one very bad hangover for the math guy), only M-Man and I made the journey.

I picked up a season pass since economically it pays for itself in two visits and that I love to watch how giddy M-Man gets when the bus pulls into the parking lot. Okay the guy taking my picture was a complete fucking turd! Not only was my picture waaaaay zoomed out, but it was off center as well. The manager guy looked at it and recommended that I take it over since it was the laziest camera guy ever!

Once we entered the park, M-Man said “oh look, there isn’t a line for Kingda-Kong roller coaster”. For the record, I loooove roller coasters. The problem was that I had not been on one for two years. Now imagine how I felt while standing line for the biggest most bad ass roller coaster on the east coast. Yeah, shitting my pants! Let me describe the ride to you. Almost all roller coasters crank you up a big hill and you know it will get scary once you reach the top. Well this one, you start on a flat stretch of track and then hydraulic or pneumatic cannons shoot you forward at 128 miles per hour. Yeah, you are sitting there minding your business and then unexpectedly you are thrust forward at blazing speed. The track starts out flat and then turns 90 degrees straight up into the air! You ascend until the car has about run out of juice. At that point you are at the crest of the track and then plunge down 300+ feet straight down at 128 miles per hour. Not only are you hovering off your seat (and thinking oh my God this harness is not going to hold me in and I am going to die) but you are looking directly at the ground as it zooms in at you (and you think, okay I am not only going to die, but I am going to be pulverized into the ground). While in line, I was watching the car barely make it to the top of the 300+ foot rickety spindle tower each time. I thought “great, it will be on my turn when the damn car will not make it to the top and we will plummet down backwards and the safety harnesses were not designed for this so we will die”. I almost had a panic attack (let me off, let me off) while we were strapped in, but thankfully I was only able to freak out for 3 seconds before we blasted off. I let out blood curdling screams and actually started crying. The picture of us shows M-Man all excited with his hands up and me burying my head in the harness and balling like a baby. After we exited, my heart was racing and I could hardly walk (wobbly legs full of adrenaline). M-Man was like “oh, I guess I should have taken you on a warm up first huh”. You think!

In comparison, all of the other rides were not even close. Two of them felt like riding the subway. You know, bland but a lot of rattling about. I eventually worked up the courage to ride Kingda-Kong again, but it was always broken. I think it broke down 8 times that day. Really makes me feel safe about the ride. When I got home, I looked on line to see if it had any deaths associated with it. Surprisingly enough, it had a clean bill of health. The Superman ride though had some past fatalities. I guess one time in London, a really fat guy rode the ride and could not fasten his harness because of his extreme girth. The teenager put in charge of safety did not check all of them before clearing them to go. Well, the Superman ride is the one you are pulled back so that you face the ground the entire time. M-Man and I discussed and it looks like how Superman would be positioned if he was getting it doggie-style. Seriously, quite the perverted ride. Anyway, the fat guy’s harness opened up and he fell out to his death. Since then they have redesigned the safety harness and enforced the no “if you ass is this big, you cannot ride this ride” rule. Honestly they have. I saw a large woman get kicked off a ride when we were being strapped in because she exceeded the size limit. Sucks for her, but at least she isn’t dead.