Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Riding Evan into the far east sunset.

To quote John Denver “well my bags are packed, I’m ready to go…I’m leaving on a Jet plane”. Okay I am not leaving NYC yet, my friend Evan is. He is moving over to Hong Kong for work. I guess if you were to translate the song into Chinese it would sound like “teriyaki chicken Gucci purse”. Seriously that is all I hear when I visit Chinatown.

Anyway, his awesomeness will be missed. Of course someone of his great character couldn’t be satisfied with one going away party, so we threw two! The first was at a local tourist trap bar called “Johnny Utah’s”. Basically it had a mechanical bull and overly pretentious wait staff. I think it is located next to a TGI-Friday’s if that gives you any indication of the cliental.

To make the occasion, Gabby, Dana, and I created t-shirts that said “save a horse, ride EVAN”. Granted, Gabby is the only one who would actually “ride” Evan, but hey it was funny. The theme was cowboy meets white trash, or basically the entire state of Oklahoma. So everyone was adorned in wife-beater tanks, visible bra straps, belt buckles that got TV reception, candy cigarettes, and cowboy hats.

Marathon Man and some of his teacher friends stopped by for some fun. Steve, the 6’-5” gospel singer music teacher in cornrows, wanted to ride the bull. Well he had to be over a foot taller than all the other people in line, oh and the only black guy in the bar. The poor guy was so tall for the bull that all of my pictures involve his long legs swinging madly in the air. There was one person who did simultaneously captivate and disgust the crowd…like watching a car accident. A girl on the chubby side wearing a short skank ass ho dress hopped on the bull. Now first of all, why would you wear a short dress on a machine built to toss you off? Anyway, the bull operator knew full well what he was doing and continually rocked her back and forth on the thing so that she would slump forward and expose her GIANT WHITE ASS! Yeah, the idiot was wearing a thong! Now it makes me wonder if they sanitized the bull afterwards since her junk was rubbing all over it. Anyway, the crowd would roar each time she tipped into the air and half heartily try to pull her dress down. Eventually (after everyone had voided their stomachs on the floor) she was bucked from the bull in a glorious fashion that lodged her dress up around her midsection. I at first thought the girl was drunk because hey how else could you explain it, but I later saw her diet coke drinking sober ass at a nearby table.

Now getting mooned would normally top out my night, but the real joy came when I witnessed bad white guy dancing firsthand. Oh yeah! M-Man was very intoxicated and decided to be my own private dancer. I got the grind on your leg, sway side to side, and even bite the lower lip white man overbite move. It was far more hilarious in person than I could ever describe. I am a very lucky cowgirl.

The next week, we had Evan’s final going away party. He figured he needed to get in an All-American activity before moving to China, so we went karaoke singing. We all had our fun singing between skill levels of bad and worse. I personally fall into the category of being asked to leave the choir in school. The teacher even suggested that I would be better suited in another class elective like woodshop (not kidding, he really did say that). Well the one person in the party who could carry a tune was Evan’s roommate. He then started to play remote Nazi and refused to share with the others. Seriously, he would skip everyone else’s song requests until he got to another one he programmed in. It was like “Every rose has its thorn….SKIP, Material Girl….SKIP, Downtown…SKIP…you ASSHOLE!”. Yeah he kept saying, “oh I think there is a glitch in the system and it keeps putting in these random songs”. Or maybe it is that you are a douche bag and are hurting people’s feelings by calling their song requests accidents because you feel there is no way in the world someone would even conceivably want to sing Karma Chameleon! Ass-hat! Eventually Gabby and I started hiding the remote from him and letting other people sing horribly.


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