Thursday, February 14, 2008

At least the doll won't comment on your wiener

Super bowl Sunday started in a porn shop. It was John’s birthday, so all the teachers decided to buy a blow up sex doll for him. Marathon Man and I were tasked with finding the doll since I do live in the porn district. Seriously, walking up 8th Avenue it is like: adult video store, peep show, sex shop, pizza place, strip club, Subway sandwiches, adult video…

I have always been curious to venture inside the adult video/sex toy shops because they have such compelling advertisements. Live Nude European, Largest Selection in New York, 100 Videos $3.99 or less, GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! Plus I see all sorts of shady guys looking extremely guilty leaving these places and I begin to wonder what the hell do they do in there? I mean these guys come out looking like they just smacked Shirley Temple in the butt or something.

Anyway, I was presently surprised to see how organized the inside was. Okay you want anal chubby chaser Asians…aisle 6. Dildos to the right, anal beads in the back… Another surprise was the price of sex dolls! I was figuring $20-$50, but these models were priced no less than $275! It better feel damn real because I could get the actual thing over at Port Authority for half that price. M-Man and I were disappointed after price comparing at several shops that their little “gag” gift would deplete their meager pension plan. While in one store, we could not immediately find the dolls. M-Man suggested we go to the second level since there was a sign marked “girls upstairs”. Yeah, we were idiots because it was live girls! It was interesting to catch them off guard flipping through magazines and looking completely bored.

Eventually we headed over to Ricky’s (which is like a Spencer’s gifts) and bought a fake Pamela Anderson Baywatch doll complete with the anal hole. The best part was that all the holes are pink on the inside as if it would make you forget it is just a plastic doll! You wonder how I know…well M-Man and I could not resist blowing it up because neither of us had seen one in person…I swear. We then stuck an enlarged picture of another hot teacher on the face and gave it to John during the super bowl.

The teacher gang was all over at John’s apartment in Queens for the super bowl. I guess I suspected something more dramatic when we exited the subway platform like being asked if we wanted to buy drugs or a gun. Anyway, being that a New York City team (whose stadium is actually in Jersey) was playing, people were getting really worked up during the game. Towards the end of the game, the room erupted when Eli broke like six tackles in a scramble and the receiver caught the most ridiculous pass while doing a backbend. Dan started jumping around the apartment and was so enthusiastic that the vibration caused a weird African wooden trophy to fall off a shelf and smash through John’s glass top end table. Yeah, imagine being there…yeah yeah yeah SMASH…dude! We were all caught speechless waiting for John to react, you know like when a child falls and you wait to see if they are seriously hurt before laughing in their face. The best part was how calm and cool John behaved. He was like “oh, well that table was always in the way anyway, oh and that African thing, it was a gift from my Grandmother, yeah she is dead now…but I can totally superglue it”.


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