Beer and Pretzels

You know it was a wild night when you find a half eaten soft pretzel in your fridge.

As I write this now, I have been seriously drinking for six out of the last seven days. The most punishment to my liver occurred this past Saturday night at Brewtopia. Yep, four solid hours of beer consumption! In an act of shear genius, the festival combines two great loves of mine…men and beer. Seriously, it was about 80% men (which is actually lower than last year’s percentage). I was reapplying lipstick in the bathroom, and at one point I stopped because I realized I didn’t need to gussy myself up. With the vast quantity of drunk men surrounding me, I figured it was like shooting fish in a barrel.

As you would expect, there were some people in costume since the festival was held on the Saturday night prior to Halloween. I saw a duff-man, a telly tubbie, a troll doll, and Smurfette. The highlight was two guys dressed up as kegs. The tap on top of their heads actually did hold a can of beer, so they were able to give refills. About two hours into the event (when the beer was still free flowing and everyone was giddy drunk) a girl did a keg stand off one of the keg costume guys! Nothing like hearing the shouts of “GO GO GO GO!” over the crowd to know you are home.

The event is open to all micro brews and imports, no matter the size. Two guys were such a small operation, that they had a ripped piece of cardboard for their sign. They were like “oh wait, you mean we need a sign, okay this case of beer is empty, hand me the pen”. I think they were just as loaded as us though. Other operations had the sponsored banners, t-shirts, and cheesy gimmicks you expect from selling out (see the Pussy energy drink).

One of the most humorous moments of the night occurred when a drunk girl barreled into me. I splashed beer on both hands, down my shirt, and all over my face. I looked over at and hesitated because I couldn’t decide if I should throw beer on her and yell “how do you like it!” or just punch her in the face. Bree sensed the tension and was all like, okay sweetie, lets go over here and get you some more beer. I am dripping with beer, what am I supposed to do. Well there was a stack of t-shirts that a vender was selling. We walked over and I started wiping off my hands on the shirts while saying “gosh Bree you are right, these are soft, I can’t help feeling them all”. I then picked up a shirt and rubbed it against my face saying “yeah I know, it is so nice against my cheek”. When I returned the shirts to the stack, they had wet hand and face prints all over them. I don’t know how we kept a straight face at the time, but five minutes later it hit us with a rush of uncontrollable drunken giggles (like pee your pants laughing).

Drinking a lot of beer sometimes skews your perception of things. For starters, I thought it would be awesome to get full sleeve tattoos. Okay I didn’t get inked for real, I just started sticking all the temporary ones on my forearm. By the end of the night I was a walking advertisement for cricket brew and Brooklyn pennant ale. On a side note, my ultimate bad boy will have sleeves. Seriously, I am going to a punk band because I love their music and want to marry the lead singer. Okay he is tall and scrawny and shouts out all his lyrics, but I’m telling you…the sleeves…mmmmnnn.

Everyone has had “not as easy as it sounds when you are drunk” moments before. I tried to show my skills when playing a mini basketball game with some tall, drunk, and handsome man. Well I couldn’t dribble to save my life. I would bounce the ball on the ground only to have it come back up and hit my knee and then fly off to some other booth. Not bad if it happens once, but every freaking time! Granted I am trying to flirt and balance my full beer glass at the same time. Needless to say I spent more time bent over chasing a ball around than actually getting a shot off.

My absurd basketball behavior worked though because the guy invited me out to another bar after the festival ended (essentially when they ran out of beer and/or cut people off). Yeah, great idea, lets go to a bar and drink some more….after we just finished four power hours! Well a few more beers later, we strolled (i.e. made out) in Times Square, because it is oh so romantic. I know this because of the half eaten soft pretzel in my fridge. Okay you know you were wasted when you even consider saving the remainder of your drunken snack for later.