Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Man, you must have been drunk....or should be shot

Friday night started with a happy hour at a swanky Chelsea bar called “The Park”. It’s shtick is having a huge indoor/outdoor space with plants and trees, hence park. Well evidently swanky places don’t do happy hour, so I was happy to ditch the work crew in lieu of some more economical venue.

Bree, Josh, Jeff, and I made a pit stop at Josh and Jeff’s work. They work at a college sports network and have the sweetest office ever! Firstly, it is in the old Nabisco cracker factory. Secondly its décor consists of bleacher (yes real bleachers), hockey pucks, tennis balls, lockers, etc. It reminded me of the apartment Tom Hanks got in Big after his first major paycheck (I was disappointed not to see a trampoline or a fighting Godzilla). Okay, when you convert a factory into offices, there are some loose ends. Exhibit A, the rail car elevated road that leads into a…..brick wall.

We headed over to Half Pint bar in the village/NYU area. It is known for a large import selection and….beer towers! Yep the same deadly devices that the Chicago boys and I consumed a few weeks ago. Needless to say, two beer towers later, we were all thoroughly sauced! The bar was decorated with mini pumpkins and gourds. Yeah call us immature, but we later were comparing the gourd sizes to male genital….”hmmm, this would make for a very large ball (to which Jeff the skeeze would say that it was life size for him, wrinkles and all)”.

Unfortunately, the bar subscribed to the idea of single stall unisex bathrooms. Whoever came up with that trend should be shot. Okay guys are forced to pee in a toilet. Not only do they often not lift the seat, but their drunken state causes them to pee all over the seat (and surrounding area). We girls are forced to hover over the dripping toilet seat while trying to decide what puddle we should place our feet in. To add to my disgust, one bathroom had pubes all over the seat! Yep, you read right….little curly hair! Not one but several guys must have contributed to the “pube pile” because I saw a rainbow of color. It is like one guy accidentally ripped a handful out while “gripping” and left it. Then the next guy was like “well hell, everybody is doing it, why not jump on the pube bandwagon”. Okay, I just now wonder how many times you can write “pube” before it is too much…..pube pube pube pube pube pube pube pube pube pube pube pube P-U-B-E-S! Still there…just checking.

So we head out to get pizza because it is the natural progression after consuming beer (well actually making out is, but I didn’t have any options at the moment). Walking down west 3rd, I saw the biggest douche bag ever! Imagine a white sleeveless tux with a metallic vest and socks with sandals. Now imagine his ride….a minivan. Ah ha ha ha! Seriously, how can you not know how ridiculous you look!

Bree grabbed my arm and dragged me inside another bar. I don’t know what impulse came over her, but her boy-dar was spot on. The place was chocked full of cute guys! I quickly made talk with a medical research guy who was in town for a conference (i.e. a complete waste of my time).

Eventually I saw Bree and Josh sprint by with Jeff in tow. He caught me and said “we have to leave….NOW”. I can only guess what predicament they got into in my absence. When I emerged from the bar a few seconds behind them, the gang was no where to be seen! Well the blurry vision didn’t help, but I was definitely all alone. Ummmm….taxi!

Around 4am, I was woken up by Bree returning to the apartment (roommate in a studio…don’t ask). Anyway, she said “you will never guess where I have just been…Coney Island!” What the F! Evidently she got a subway sandwich and hoped on the subway without paying attention to the direction of the train. She was so into devouring her sub sandwich (which we all are after a long night of drinking) that she didn’t realize the 15 minute ride back to our place was taking much longer. She finished the sandwich around Avenue Z in Brooklyn and realized oh crap, where am I. Eventually she reached the end of the line in Coney Island. Instead of trying the impossible and hailing a cab in Coney Island at 3am in the morning, she just stayed on the train and rode it back to Manhattan….note it is an hour door to door! Okay, talk about giant oops! Ah ha ha ha.


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