Tuesday, October 09, 2007

My mind is in the toilet

Bree and I awoke Saturday morning (after one heck of a Friday night….two words - Coney Island, see previous post) just in time to drag ourselves to the KSU football watch party. The alma mater was playing their arch rival KU (the other Kansas school). Anyway, the parties are held at this okay bar on the upper east side.

After a bucket of beers (one way to cure the hang-over), I needed to use the facilities. The bar’s basement bathroom (say that three times fast) has two stalls. I walked into the first and was greeted by a giant turd! Yes, girls do poop too. Evidently this girl ate a bunch of sausage and….okay don’t want to think about it anymore. I quickly went to stall number two. The toilet in the stall was continuously running which seemed odd. Then I noticed the posted sign saying don’t throw toilet paper in the toilet, throw it in the bucket. Huh….then I saw the “bucket” heaped high with wadded up used toilet paper. Ugh….so gross just imagining it. I went back to the turd toilet and tried to flush it using my foot to press the handle. Nope didn’t go down, so I weighed my options and chose the continuously flushing/bucket stall. Next problem, the door wouldn’t shut! It was pulled from the wall by some zealous girl and hung at a weird angle. When you tried to close the door, it would knock up against the toilet. Okay, so there I am hovering with a wide open door when a girl walks in. She was startled and embarrassed but I quipped to her “no worries, you’ll see why I am doing this in about five seconds”. Yep, I then heard her say “ewwww, this is disgusting”….the turd has been spotted. I was pulling up my shorts when she said “maybe I’ll try to see if it will go down (pause for flushing noise)….oh my God, I think is going to overflow!” We bolted out of there so fast lest a brown submarine dock at our sandals. While panting and laughing my ass off with the girl in the hallway, I decided to creep back and take some pictures thinking, no one is going to believe this. Seriously, crazy things like this follow me around and those who don’t know me would not believe a simple trip to the restroom could generate such a story. Don’t worry, I didn’t take pictures of the turd, or the bucket, or anything else that would provoke a gag reflex. I did get this shot of the sign….see! Okay to top things off, I am pretty sure I know who left the present for us. She was a bit out of place (I don’t want to begin to explain) and I noticed she spent an awful lot of time in the restroom before me. Hey look on the brightside, she could just be a heroin addict.

Sunday I headed cross town to the Oktoberfest street fair. I was picturing lederhosen, tubas, and large beer steins. Unfortunately, it was just a street fair filled with the peddlers of imitation sunglasses, shawls, fried food, and costume jewelry. My disappointment did not last long since I found my favorite tiny Asian man artist guy. I bought one of his paintings last year and have been looking for him at every street fair since. Well I was debating between a central park scene and Times Square abstract. I opted for Times Square even thought I complain about it, I might as well commemorate my two year residence.

After dropping off the giant painting (and a brief detour around the Pulaski day parade), I caught the afternoon show of a new rock musical. Basically the theater district puts on a “theater festival”, similar to a film festival, where emerging plays and musicals are showcased with the hope that a major venue will produce them. I was told this was a good way to see the next big Tony winning play for cheap. My choice was a hard rock (go figure) musical based on a Greek mythology story. The two main characters were the God Dionysus (god of wine and lewdness, basically the blame for sex drugs and rock-n-roll back in the day) and his cousin the king. The Dionysus guy had skin tight, low rise pants, a bare upper body, and a giant blonde curly wig. Don’t get me wrong, he had a very hot body but the wig, effeminate character, and body glitter on the nipples and navel made me feel like a pervert. The king character’s costume was not much better as he was sporting a cut off tank top, skin tight acid wash jeans, and a giant metal codpiece! Yeah the thing stuck out at least 6 inches! I had second row center seats (sweet seats in any other play) which put me at eye level for his codpiece thrust dancing. Now don’t tell me that isn’t distracting. I would be watching the play and other actors when metal crotch guy would stroll onstage. Then all I would do is follow around the giant dick shield. Oh well, a girl has gotta get her action one way or another.


Post a Comment

<< Home