Monday, October 22, 2007

I'd rather be gay

Okay here is the post that everyone has been waiting for….my adventures in Speed Dating! Yep, I figured the experience would introduce me to local hot single men and possibly produce a great story. Well, one out of two is not bad.

I was a bit nervous before the event, so I enlisted help from work friends to create some good openers. Rob suggested that I comment “boy there are a lot of weirdoes here” but that would not fly if the guy showed up with his five brothers. Kate brought up the question “wait what if any of them are gay, you don’t want to go thru that again”. I’m pretty sure that it was a strictly hetro event, but they said I should have some test questions to find out if they are a wolf in sheep’s clothes. Do you have a Barbara Streisand CD….errrrrr! Do you like figure skating…..errrrr! Do you like giving it to guys in the butt…..errrrr!

The evening started with some mingling between the 25 ladies and 24 men (one guy didn’t show up…his loss). I was a bit worried at first because all of the women were catches. I’m not kidding….they all had pretty to down right gorgeous faces, hot bodies, and sexy dresses. Now add to the fact that all the girls were smart (physician’s assistant, art gallery clerk, dentist, med student, etc) and normal! Okay, at least it made me feel better about being habitually single since I obviously was not the only one.

Well if all the girls were so awesome, the guys are bound to be total packages right. Um….wrong! About a third of the guys could not speak English. Another third were completely hopeless like circus midgets and large facial moles sprouting hair. The final third were total wanna-be players and use the speed dating as ways to perfect their lame pick up lines.

Here is a sample of what I had to endure for 3 minutes at a time.
Ralph from Queens. Okay this guy was trying to play up the gangster guy image and I felt like I was watching an audition for Goodfellas. Hmmm wide open button down shirt, massive chest hair, several gold chains, I know, you are trying to distract from the fact that you go by Ralph. Oh no baby, you had me at ‘bout it’.

Edo from Nigeria. I asked him what brought him to the United States. I don’t know what he replied because I was answering for him in my head…what are Barnum and Bailey.

Dan the total player. I was his third girl in the rotation. His opening line was “I’ve been waiting all night to talk to you”. I thought “hmmm, yeah we are 10 minutes into the evening, so glad you did not have to wait that long”. He immediately scooted his chair next to mine so that our thighs pressed together and asked if I wanted to grab drinks afterwards and get to know each other better. I called him out asking him how he can say that when he has 20 some more girls to meet. He also goes to these speed dating things at least once a week… not improving my opinion of you. Thank God it was only 3 minutes. I then overheard the same lines being used on the girl next to me (the next girl in the rotation). Nice.

Mihai from Romania. When I asked him were he was from (because the accent was super thick), he made me guess. I basically was quizzed on all of eastern Europe. By the time I finally said Romania, the buzzer went off.

Amin from India. Okay he was normal, but his best friend kept getting in the way. Cock block.

Robby from Jersey. Yes Robby, not Rob, Bob, Robert, or anything not already used by a 5th grader.

Craig the very very very large guy (oh who am I kidding, he was a fat ass). He asked what I would be doing on a Thursday night if I was not speed dating. I replied that I would probably be watching the Office since I am addicted to that TV show. He then went on to lecture me about excessive television watching without knowing that I only watch a few shows a week. When I turned the table and asked him what he would be doing, he said “well Thursdays I like to hit the gym. You know I intimidate all the other guys because I am so big.” Okay I don’t know if he was kidding or if he really believed his bulk was actually muscle….the lumpy soft kind of muscle.

Mamei from Pakistan. Moley! Moley! Moley!

Fred from China. Well his real name was not Fred, it was something with a lot of x’s, u’s, and i’s in it.

Oke from Turkey. I asked him what brought him to America, and he said “I want a green card”. What…slow down buddy, I just met you. Well his accent was sooooo thick that he actually said “I won a green card”. Ooops, my mistake.

Yustof from Russia. Raj from India. Stewart from New Zealand.

Mark from Ireland who carted around a huge back pack like this speed dating event was another stop on his backpacking tour across the United States.

I figured I had nothing to loose (or gain since the pickings were slim), so I started using all sorts of random opening lines. I was assigned table 1 not for any particular reason besides I was nearest to the organizer when she started handing them out. Well after three beers (two bought by creepy Dan), I started chanting “I’m number 1! I’m number 1!” to the boys as they approached. I was also located in the darkest corner of the room, so guys could hardly see me. I kept telling the guys that they made a mistake putting me in the shady corner because it was only for people with Phantom of the Opera like physical deformities and that I only have a sixth toe. Well the girl next to me got mad because I was basically saying she was ugly….but she wasn’t, I was joking! Anyway, I stopped using the melted face routine in lieu of saying all the whores were over here (dark corner means stealth hand jobs). Yeah, that did not help the situation between the other girl and I any.

Okay, so speed dating was a bust (although I do have three dates lined up for this week). To help motivate me getting out there more, I have chopped off all of my hair. I signed up for a free haircut from an apprentice. She wanted experience cutting textured hair (i.e. my nappy curly head) with a razor. Basically I went to a swanky salon in the meat packing district and got a $200 haircut for free. The supervisor was this super high end guy who has cut (according to her) half the NYC celebrities hair. The one down fall is that it took 3 hours! Yeah, she would give me a consultation and then he would critique her and she would do it again. Then they would wash my hair and study the curl because every curly hair cut must be done differently. Then she would make a few cuts, then he would, then she would, blah blah blah. I gave them a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker and they matched it for my face. I didn’t know I could love my hair so much, but I cannot help starring at myself in every mirror I pass. Oh and I got bangs! Yeah, I had not had any since 6th grade, and those were the 80’s bubble bangs thing.

Here is a pic of the new haircut. I was in the middle of drinking a bottle of wine with Rob and Dana when I got the notion to document an “after” picture in Dana’s bathroom.


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