Thankfully we all turned out normal-ish

On Monday, I took Marathon Man to the “Mortified” show. I scored tickets a couple of months in advance, and have been looking forward to it ever since. Basically it is normal people reading their actual diaries, love letters, poems, school papers, etc. It totally makes me want to find my own diary where I probably wrote about my childhood crushes and how my Barbies were all sluts (seriously, they didn’t wear underwear!).

One very funny sweet looking woman read her teenage diary, and she commented that at the time she thought the world was against her. Well it turns out, she was the brattiest bitch mean girl ever! Oh and hilarious! She read things like “I don’t know why Emily is so mad at me, I mean I only KISSED her boyfriend [Frank] and it is not like I slept with him, next week…so my parents had to have a talk with me because they caught me having sex with Frank…Emily is such a bitch so I tee-peed her house with toilet paper, eggs, bleach, milk, newspapers, and downy laundry detergent….so Frank took me and Sam to the mall to get Devo tickets and while he ran into the mall he totally left the keys in the car so we totally had to steal it and we like almost hit three cars and died!...so Sam and I went on a weekend leadership outing this weekend and we had to stay in a room with Megan and she is like totally religious and Catholic so we decided to torture her and started chanting Satanic sounding things”.

A gay guy who was voted most religious student three years in a row by his Catholic school read out loud his poems about the curse of being gay (because it was against religious law). I am impressed at his courage because they were all a bit uncomfortable but super humorous. For example, he would write “I am on my knees and should be asking for salvation while I swallow your hot poison juice”. I guess you had to be there because M-Man and I almost fell out of our seats.

Another girl read from her travel journal. She confessed that as a teenager, she desperately wanted to be British. She sometimes even talked in what she thought was a British accent (it wasn’t). Anyway, her 16 year old dreams came true when the marching band (yes she was in the band) went to England to tour for a couple of weeks. One day the were scheduled to play in an outdoor plaza, but it was so cold and the winds were so fierce that they were moved to the only indoor venue in the town large enough to accompany them…a strip club! She wrote “yeah it was really strange because we had all sorts of flashing lights and even a disco ball and the people there were all drunk or drinking”. Finally after playing in several small towns (where the reeked of manure and had weird food) they arrived in London. She wrote “oh my God, it was so cool, it was like the coolest city ever, I mean they have a store called Tower Records and it should have been called like every album ever made store (fyi she was from Detriot), and later we were able to see a play called Cats and I totally made eye contact with one of them”.

One of the crowd favorites was this guy who read his “raps”. Yeah he was a white kid from the Connecticut suburbs, and he and his friend formed a rap group. His name was Ice-slick, his other white friend’s name was Ice-mack, and the lone black guy in their trio was called Nick (his real name). All of his raps were about drugs and gang violence even though it was just stuff he saw on TV. One of the lyrics was “yo I survived the streets comm’in at you hard from the Bronx” and he sadly interjected, “no I was not from the Bronx, I have never been there, I from Connecticut, I swam at a country club”.

A woman who is a nanny now read us her school project titled “My Future”. I think she was 10-ish, so the goals were lofty and comical. She said she would be a dancer and then a fashion designer, and then her fashion business would fail (yeah pretty pessimistic tween) when she was 21 so she would then get married and have a child named Abby, while she raised Abby she would coach her soccer team (ack soccer mom!) and watch all her plays (sounds like someone did not get enough attention from the parents when she was young) and design all of her clothes, then she'll become a fashion designer again and only design children’s clothes, then that business would fail and so she would have another child named Alan (she wanted them all to have the same first letter name etc), and she would become Mayor of her town at age 25 (because all of what I described could realistically happen in four years!), and eventually when she was 30 she would be elected President of the United States (ummm, isn’t there an higher age limit dumbass). Of course the presentation was accompanied by awesomely bad pictures that she had drawn herself.

Okay there were a lot more speakers, but I don’t want to write a ten page blog post. Here is their website and I highly recommend going to see the show when it stops in your town (they are a touring group). http://www.getmortified.com/