Chronicles of Lindsay: Tis the season...weddings and chair violations

I made a quick trip back to Chi-town this past weekend to celebrate the marriage of my two friends Mike and Jenn. I arrived just in time to meet the gang out after the rehearsal dinner. Ryan got “wine drunk” which meant he would tell stories at full volume. Now those who know Ryan know he is a habitual line crosser….but we love him for it. Sadly there was only mild line toe touching with the children present.

The next day I was greeted with the Chelsea soccer/football game. Sadly there were lots of hard soccer bodies, but no one had the urge to fling off their uniform. Hmmm maybe next game. Even though I had all morning to get ready for the afternoon wedding, I still managed to be slightly late. Maria and I cabbed it over to the hotel (wedding location) and kept telling the cabbie to step on it with encouraging words like “wedding” and “ten minutes”, etc. We entered the hotel at a dead sprint. Thankfully weddings never start on time and we were able to sit down and catch our breath before the ceremony started. Although we had been at the wedding all of 2 minutes, Maria was able to give an outstanding first impression. We hung up our coats and she arranged her shawl to hide certain dress ailments. Note the dress was gorgeous but it had exposure tendencies. After the adjustments, she asked “so do I look like an old lady?” right in front of the grandparents. Of course they heard us and said some retort but I was too busy getting the heck out of there.

The ceremony was touching with some very tear jerk

ing vows. Come on people, if you are going to write emotional vows, then at least provide some Kleenexes. Just kidding. After the wedding, we enjoyed the cocktail hour. Now “enjoyed” is a code word for drinkity drink drink. The combination of an open stocked bar and waiters with champagne caused us to double fist at one point. Classy to the max! Oh what a foreshadowing to the remainder of the evening.

Mike (aka the groom) is born and raised Chicago Bear

s fan. Jenn cheers for the Green Bay Packers. Somehow, she got a picture of him at Lambo field and then turned it into their holiday card. Since then he has gotten relentless teasing from the gang (also Bears fans). Ah ha ha, we are pure evil. Anyway, they took their professional football team rivalry and spinned it into a very clever way to seat their guests. People were assigned to tables named after famous Bears or Packers players/coaches. The rowdy gang and I were at the Gale Sayers table. So Jenn and Mike must have w

arned the wait staff in advance about “Smith’s friends” because our table was the only one sans champagne. After the toasts (fyi, Dan yours rocked but the old people were scratching their heads) we had only empty glasses to clink. Being left out on the champagne, our table vowed to show the true power of young alcoholics.

Prior to dinner, there was a picture slide show which could have been better titled “enough material to continue teasing Smith for the rest of his life”. Now a days, he keeps his hair quite short (between a buzz cut and completely shaved). I wonder if this is because he has bright orange hair! Yep, he is a ginger kid (and therefore evil according to south park). He hung his head as pictures of him as a child (and then later a Z-cavaricci wearing punk kid) sporting his orange mop flashed on the screen.

Fast forward to many many many more drinks and lots of music. Sadly during my “dark period” of the night (hush, it takes tal

ent to drink your self into blackouts) they played the infamous “Bombs over Bagdad” song. Now this song is notorious to the group, and the boys go ape shit over it. Dan R. slyly drug out two chairs to the dance floor and just as quietly snuck away to get a better look at the action. Bill and Big Mike grabbed the chairs and proceeded to do their hump like a dog ritual on them. Don’t try to understand, just enjoy it. I heard random lawyers (more about them later) asking each other “why are they humping the chairs?” Bill admitted at one point during the song he didn’t know why he was humping but couldn’t stop/resist because the song is hypnotic.

The next morning, a group reconvened at Big Mike’s, Bill’s, and Dan M.’s apartment to watch the Bears playoff game. Most of the afternoon was spent filling in each other’s holes. Wait that sounded kinky, I meant memory holes you perverts. While there, they were brainstorming group costume ideas for the upcoming Chi-ditarod. The Iditarod is a famous dog-sled race held in Alaska. Well the Chi-ditarod is an event held in Wicker Park. You get teams together with a theme and a grocery cart (the sled) and then travel to the various Wicker Park bars to collect food (oh and drink…come on, you know my friends would not do it unless it involved consuming alcohol). The first idea was star wars and turning the cart into a speeder or a tom-tom (good thought, just a lot of chicken wire and paper mache…oh and motivation is needed). Later they suggested “dick in a box” based on the SNL sketch. Someone (not naming names to protect the pathetic) actually has a 6-foot inflatable penis that they can stick in the cart. Emily (who would be riding in the cart) could then periodically open the lid and stick out the dick. Ah ha ha ha.

The evening was capped off with me being delayed at the airport….again. Thankfully Maria was also delayed at the airport and we were able to kill time together. Till next time, peace out!