Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Hunting season

Prepare yourself for some pretty demeaning blog posts. I decided to try out an online dating system. Judge me if you must, but I am tired of hitting on much younger men at bars. You ask how I know they are much younger…well here is a simple test, if they own a visor and don’t know about Desert Storm (hello, the Iraq invasion is not a new thing). I do realize that online dating may be a slippery slope towards owning ten cats, but I am willing to take the risk. Plus it makes for fantastic blog posts that everyone gets to enjoy (well except for the poor chums that I will anonymously humiliate).

Where to start. Ah, the do’s and don’ts of first dates.
DO – show up on time. I don’t enjoy waiting at a bar for 15 minutes. I shouldn’t be on my second beer by the time you show up.
DO – suggest a good icebreaker activity. DON’T pick an activity that you suck at. Although batting cages sound really fun, it will leave you sweaty (like nasty V-line down your shirt sweaty), give you no chance to talk to your date (hello, focus on the ball), and prove just how old you are when you pull a back muscle (you are 35, not 80!). I do give the guy credit because it was a lot of fun. Too bad we both were too tired to talk and had open blisters all over our hands. Oh and I was a sooo much better hitter than him.
DON’T – be gay. Seriously, you are interested in women right?
DON’T – try to touch me if I have only known you 20 minutes. One guy tried to put his arm around me as we were strolling down the street. I almost tripped over my feet darting out of the way of the incoming arm. I then punished him by going “oh look at that” while pointing at some old lady’s giant wrinkled asscrack (she was bending over gardening and had a good 4 inches sticking out). He took the bait and then lamented about why I pointed that out in the first place. Ah ha ha ha jerk.
DO - offer to pay for the drinks even though I fully intend on splitting the bill.
DON’T – offer to buy me something. I am not one of those girls that gives head for a new pair of shoes. Seriously true story…after a cup of coffee, a guy suggested we go shopping. I agreed thinking “oh we are going to window shop and make interesting comments about the wares”. Nope, he took me to a store and told me to pick something out as a gift. I said I really didn’t shop here, but he insisted that I was bound to find something. I blurted out that I needed a rug for my living room and sure enough, he started to hold up all the various rugs to see if I liked them. Okay, just because you say you run a hedge fund doesn’t mean you should flaunt it on a first date. Don’t worry, I feigned disinterest in all the products and he didn’t give me anything…except a good story.

I have decided to embark on a special dating assignment. I have arranged for a different date every night for two straight weeks. Admittingly, I am not really attracted to any of them, but hey why not. Single men of Chicago, you have been warned.


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