Whore-o-leen

I ask how can you not love Halloween. I mean when else are you encouraged to eat candy…well beside Easter, but anyway. Plus call me kinky, but I love costumes. Well I don’t love those slutty costumes. I walked into a costume store and realized the guys had all the cool costumes and the girls were all whores. Yeah boys costume: construction worker with vest, tool belt, hard had, etc. Girl’s costume: construction worker with two orange cones acting as bra a la Madonna. I was looking for Marathon Man and mine costume. We originally settled on original Star Trek uniforms so that he could be Captain Kirk…and I could be one of Kirks many conquests. Well the uniform (a simple long sleeve t-shirt) was like $50 alone. I figured, why not sew them myself. I mean it is just a simple long sleeve t-shirt (and a longer version for the dress). Ten dollars later, we had two custom fit costumes (granted I loaned M-Man my black slacks so he could have fitted pants….yes, don’t remind me that he can fit into my pants…groan).

We showed up at a teacher Halloween pre-parade party. The biggest surprise was the Music teacher (a 6’5” built black man with corn rows and gigantic smile). He was wearing one of the slutty girl costumes complete with the blonde curly pigtailed wig. The thigh high stockings only came up to his knees and he added a red tulle & lace petticoat to protect what was left of his modesty. Apparently the Math and English male teachers were also supposed to wear slutty girl costumes as well, but they chickened out (it takes balls….and a good way to hide them…to go out in public dressed like that).

After several beers, we ventured outside to catch a cab to the Halloween parade. A limo driver cut us a deal and drove us in style. By in style, I mean in a vehicle that let us drink beer. Upon arriving at the parade, we were all buzzed. We watched a bit of the mayhem before ducking into a nearby bar to wait for some more teachers. I think the pictures tell the story best. The Music teacher didn’t hold his liquor well and almost passed out on the stool. When the boys tried to move him to the bathroom, he vomited all over the bar floor. The crowd all went “oooohhh” when they heard the sound which was like someone dumped a bucket of thick soup on the floor. We quickly took him outside (side stepping the subsequent puddles on the way). After about a half hour, he seemed to be done and well enough to travel. Two of the boys hoisted him up and “walked” him down the sidewalk away from the parade. Well, he is super tall and towered over the other two, so he ended up leaning forward to better stabilize himself. His short skit couldn’t cover his rear, so from behind you could see his underpants. Guys following us initially would stare at his booty and make suggestive comments like “oh that bitch had too much tonight”, etc. I guess at first glance with the wig and slutty costume and all, it did look like a drunk chick from behind. Eventually they would see either the leg and/or facial hair and embarrassingly realize they were checking out a dude. One guy in particular (surrounded by ghetto hoochies) was like “damn sista, she is fine, she ol drunk bitch but sure got it going on, blah blah blah”. Well one of his hoochies burst out laughing and called him out on hitting on a MAN! The punk then tried to cover it up with “oh hell, I’m straight up…STRAIGHT up” while his bitches were rolling with laughter.

We eventually found an open cab and one group put the Music teacher in the back while M-Man and I talked to the cabbie.
M-Man: take him to x and x, up in x neighborhood
Cabbie: no, no, no, I don’t take drunk people
Me: we already told you where to go, he has money ready
Cabbie: no, no, no, get him out
M-Man: look man he is all set to go, why won’t you take him
Cabbie: because he is puking in my car!!!!
At this point we open the back door just as the Music teacher heaves one more time all over the backseat. We literally drag him out of the cab as the driver tried to speed off. We cleaned him up and waited another half hour till we were sure he was completely done getting sick. We then flagged down another cab and repeated the scenario (minus the puking).

The group headed back to the parade. The crowd was thick which was perfect for roaming perverts. Seriously, one guy grouped girl teacher in front of me before obviously reaching out and squeezing my chest. I was able to look him in the face and call him a m-fer. You know, he didn’t even blink an eye….nasty nasty man. Unlike most parades around the country, the NYC Halloween Parade is open to anyone. We found an opening and joined in the parade. I cannot explain how much fun it was and all the awesome and ridiculous costumes I saw. The only thing that could top it is if an Arby’s merged with Wendy’s and opened a store next door to me.

While we were walking, M-Man got a call on his cell from the Music teacher. Evidently he had puked AGAIN in the cab and was now wandering around Avenue B. What the hell? Basically we have no idea how he ended up in that neighborhood (think ‘Rent’) since it is in the opposite direction of where he was supposed to be. Luckily a friend with a car was located and he got home safely. I guess the moral of the story is: dressing like a whore will get you roofied!